Another day.

Another day another black cloud hanging over Baggy. She really didn't want to get up and face the day. Hormonal Hannah tried to make her go back to sleep and ignore it. It's Thursday after all and nothing was happening, so she could just stay there. Minty Mutt barked downstairs and woke her up a little more. Furry Mama told him to "shut up". It had no effect other than to wake Baggy up enough for Clever Bird to point out to her that Minty Mutt was barking at the bin men - the bin men who come on a Friday, not a Thursday. She therefore did have somewhere to be and needed to get up, black cloud or not.

She dragged Baggy out of bed. Clever Bird scanned her e-mails on her phone as she walked downstairs, trying not to trip over the cats, who were racing Furry Mama to their food bowls. There was one that cheered Baggy up instantly - it was from her Etsy shop. The black cloud lifted a little. But before she dealt with the e-mail, she had to go out

Another day another Fat Club meeting. Yes Baggy will still be going, even though she's at her target weight. That's for two reasons, firstly that she enjoys going and seeing, and supporting her friends who are still on their journey and secondly because she wants to stay at her target weight. After all, this is Baggy we're talking about and with Hormonal Hannah's influence, she would easily just pile the pounds back on. For her own sake and for Wesley's sake, Baggy needs to keep Grotty Groom at her new healthy size. She had only put on a pound and truthfully that was all the extra layers she was wearing so she was happy. The black cloud lifted a little further.

Another day another walk with Minty Mutt. Furry Mama enjoys this time of year, especially if it's not raining. Today was cold, very cold, but pleasant. Minty Mutt felt a bit stiff but still tried to catch rabbits, Bless him. They did a brisk thirty-minute circuit and although Minty and Baggy (thanks to Vicki-May and Grotty Groom trying to finish her off in their riding lesson on Wednesday), were stiff, they both enjoyed it. The black cloud lightened.  

Another day another Etsy order for Realuv. Creative Clara is quite proud of her little shop, but even more so, getting sales and sending vintage pieces off to have another chance at being loved is really making Hormonal Hannah happy. It literally makes Baggy smile. Okay, Clever Bird is very well aware that Baggy will not be retiring on the proceeds any time soon, but this is her third order in a week. And yet another one that will be crossing the Atlantic! It's fun. Today's order was to a published author who's just released her first book and it was lovely to actually be able to see the person that it's gone to, because she has a website. Clara enjoyed packing the little dish, then got Baggy to drive her to the local post office to send it on its way. Clever Bird realised that for Clara to expand her business she needs to buy more stock, so on her way home from posting the parcel, Baggy took Clara to the viewing day at the local auction house. But it wasn't to be! Tomorrow's auction is a Fine Arts one, perfect if Clara's shop ever develops into one selling fine antiques and she wins the lottery, but not for now. By the time she got home, the black cloud had gone!

Another day, another mini win against depression...........

People need to be more aware of mental health issues.

There's no two ways about it, depression is a bitch. There's no logic (seemingly) to when the black cloud will descend, and a bit like having a truly awful tooth or headache, nothing shows outwardly. Plus, if like Baggy, you have spent a lifetime "putting on a brave face", others will see you as a confident, outgoing person. They will not see the inner turmoil, fear and overwhelming sadness. So it's hard when someone says to you to "snap out of it" and "just get on with it", as happened yesterday to Baggy. Instantly Hormonal Hannah went into apologetic mode, "Yes, I know, it's silly. I don't know why I don't see Wesley more, especially as I miss him so much". And in the past, Baggy has "snapped out of it", at least outwardly. She did "just get on with it". But at what cost? Well a very high one as it's turned out. One that's this time pushed her very close to having a breakdown. So now Clever Bird is making Baggy listen more to Hormonal Hannah and then chatting to her positively. She does not tell her to "snap out of it". She tries to reassure her that it's okay to feel like this, but that it will pass. She doesn't push her into doing things that (logically or not) she just can't face, because it really isn't helpful. In fact it makes it worse.

"Why can't I do it?" "Why do I feel like this". "I'm hopeless". "It's so silly". "I must be a really pathetic person". "I just can't do it". "I can't cope". "I'm worthless". "I need to snap out of it". "But I can't, so I'm useless". And around in ever-decreasing circles of self-doubt.

Instead, why not just say, "How are you? It's lovely to see you. Wesley will be pleased"?  Then one can respond positively. "Yeah I'm okay thanks. Happy to be spending some time with my Boys". In this case, the person does know that Baggy has depression so it kind of makes it even worse, but because it's invisible and most people consider it to be a taboo subject ( a fault or weakness that one should hide), you can never tell who is suffering from depression or anxiety. It's a ghastly feeling and sometimes you just want to know that someone is there for you. 
"How are you? It's lovely to see you. Wesley will be pleased". 
"Yes, I've missed him, but I've been feeling really down and couldn't face coming".
"Well it's lovely to see you today. Enjoy your time with him. If you want to chat, I'm a good listener".
"Thank you".

Then the Hormonal Hannah or Harry in you would feel reassured rather than guilty. Reassured that they had taken a positive step, not guilty that they had stopped you from doing something, in this case Grotty Groom from going to the yard for two weeks. Reassured that it was a positive thing to do, to face a fear and go and spend time with the horses. Not guilty that she hadn't been earlier, resulting in her avoiding the situation and probably not going again for days, worried that people are judging her. Clever Bird knows that this person meant no harm, in fact was trying to be friendly and helpful, but even if it didn't have a negative impact on the person suffering, it is JUST NOT POSSIBLE!

No one would tell you to "snap out of your grief" or to "snap out of your flu" or to "snap out of your migraine", because it is JUST NOT POSSIBLE. But wouldn't it be brilliant if one could, then of course one would? We all need to remember that we have no idea what's going on in someone else's head, we just need to show that we do care and are there if they need us. Clever Bird will now always make sure that the gang try to understand Hormonal Hannah's feelings (and those of any other Hannah's or Harry's out there), and be there for her when she is struggling..............

Horse therapy works again.

Baggy woke up in a black place once again this morning. More panicky than anything, but not great. However Clever Bird had made her book a lesson for Grotty Groom this afternoon, so that she'd get over to see the Boys. She cannot figure out why Hormonal Hannah is still "stopping" her from wanting to go to the yard. The unpleasant people are no longer there, so it's not that. Grotty loves being with Wessles and Baggy and Hannah always feel better for being with him, so it makes no sense that she hasn't been there for two weeks! But something is stopping her, so having a lesson booked "makes" her go.

Baggy felt a little better after Furry Mama had taken Minty Mutt for a walk in the beautiful autumn sunshine, so she decided to take Grotty over to the yard early. It meant that Freda Fretter wouldn't get her into a panic that Grotty wouldn't be ready in time for her lesson. She groomed both Boys while they munched hay. Instantly she felt better. Wessles was a little put out that Grotty hadn't been to see him for so long. He muttered that he was a bit hurt, but he understood. But when Grotty got his saddle out, he decided to make his point a little more strongly. "Really Mum, you don't bother coming to see me for two weeks, then you expect me to work!"
"Sorry Wessles, but you do understand don't you?"
"Yes. I suppose so. But still, see I miss you when you don't come."
"I know, but I'll never leave you for too long".
"I don't think you understand Mum - two days is too long". Wessles head-butted Grotty and went back to his hay.
"I really am sorry. You know I love you". Grotty put the saddle on Wesley's back. Wesley walked off.
"Stand still Wes, I need to do your girth up".
"Yep, I know that, I'm just making a point" he said, as he headed off round his stable with Grotty following him.
"Yes, point made Wesley, now can I do it up before the saddle hits the floor?" Wesley stopped. Grotty walked to his girth.
"No. I need you to promise you'll come more often". Wesley set off once more. Grotty tottered after him. After three loops of the stable, Wesley finally stood still long enough for Grotty to do up his girth.
"As long as you've got the message Mum".
"I have".
"Okay then".

It was quite chilly, so Clever Bird decided Grotty should ride in her suede chaps. Once Baggy had finally found them, she put them on. They literally fell over her hips. She adjusted both buckles from their maximum size, to their minimum size! She then did the zips up and realised just how much "size" Baggy has lost. They've gone from being impossible to do up on her thighs without some help, to now having a gap that Baggy can put her hand in! No wonder Wesley is even more forward going than he used to be, he's carrying four stone less weight!

He was a complete poppet to ride. Despite his objections, he was happy to work and as usual was quite keen, especially when Vicki-May told Grotty to canter him. Baggy's heart rate shot through the roof as soon as the "c" word was mentioned, as did Wesley's, but his was from excitement, rather than terror. But Baggy had no need to worry, he went beautifully for Grotty. He got even more excited when Vicki-May set some poles out, but they were there to teach him that he needed to listen to Grotty and not to get too strong. Yep - just after he'd cantered! But he did listen to Grotty, who was immensely proud of her big woolly cob, as yet again he went like a dressage diva. By the end of the hour, Wesley was hot and sweaty and tired, Grotty was warm, achy and felt brilliant, although Vicki-May did tell her that she was walking like a cowboy as she led Wessles back to the stables.

"Thank you Wesley, you were a star".
"I know Mum".
"I'm exhausted now."
"Me too. Where are my treats?"
"Here you are, you've earned them".

Now Clever Bird needs to stop flipping Hormonal Hannah from scuppering Baggy's plans to take Grotty over more often.........

Black day.

Once again Clever Bird spoke too soon yesterday, or jinxed Baggy, not sure which, but today she woke up with the black cloud hovering. So much so that she pulled the covers over her head and went back to sleep. She was rudely awakened at gone 11.00am by someone clumping loudly up the wooden, creaky, seventeenth-century staircase. Psychic Ploppo froze. Baggy's heart rate shot up, suddenly she was wide awake. No one was in the house, so who the heck was thumping up the stairs? She looked nervously over her quilt. Perhaps Calum was home. But Clever Bird realised that even if he was, he couldn't have got in through the bolted door. More clumping. Psychic Ploppo put Baggy's hairs on end. Clever Bird decided that it must be Minty Mutt, except that he never goes up the stairs at this house because they are too steep to get back down. And if it was him, he wouldn't have stopped halfway up. Baggy started to panic. Clever Bird heard more clumping and board squeaking. She decided she had better be brave and get up, she was just sitting up, when Hinge aka the low-slung one, hurled herself over the end of the bed! Furry Mama wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry at how heavy her little fat cat must be to sound like a human coming up the stairs. Time to get up after a quick cuddle with The Hinge.

The black cloud wouldn't go away. Baggy took Hormonal Hannah's happy pill. Furry Mama fed everyone and called her number one furry for a morning chat, but she still felt rubbish. Then Clever Bird realised that it was nothing to worry about, Hannah is just having a dark day again, hopefully tomorrow will be better. Clever Bird had to force Baggy to get showered and dressed. By the time she'd succeeded it was gone 1.00pm. She watched a couple of soppy Christmas films, while trying to muster up the energy to do some more organising for the house move. But The Domestic Goddess was feeling low too. She did at least rustle up some lunch. Now Clever Bird has forced Creative Clara to blog. Everyone is feeling a teeny bit better, the cloud is now only a mucky grey, so The Goddess has decided to pack. Hinge has other ideas. Or perhaps she wants to make sure that Furry Mama doesn't forget to pack them as well.........

Onwards and upwards.

Another busy weekend flashed by for Baggy and Calum. The "other" house really feels like home now. Hormonal Hannah couldn't quite believe that she decided to get Calum to put one of her Step-Mother's embroidered pictures in a place of honour above the fireplace! Poor Calum says he has whip marks on his back from The Domestic Goddess directing him to do so much! But it's well worth it. Quite a few pictures are now up and Creative Clara has decided where she wants the rest to go - she just needs to drag The Goddess to a shop to buy lots more picture hooks. Calum found all the original oak knobs for the kitchen doors, that Baggy's Dad had saved after her Step-Mum had him change them all to white porcelain ones. (Clever Bird is beginning to realise where Baggy got her hoarding tendencies from!) The Goddess got Calum to change them all back to the original ones. Creative Clara thinks it looks much nicer now.

Driving home yesterday afternoon wasn't quite as cold as driving over there on Friday, but it was still blooming cold! Furry Mama remembered to take Calum's gloves out of the cupboard so he could wear them to drive, but when she tried to hand them to him, he ignored her, so she put them on the seat next to him. As they walked in to their nice cosy cottage (the new heaters work brilliantly), Calum immediately put his hands on one. "What are you doing?" asked Baggy, slightly redundantly. "Trying to thaw my fingers out". "Well, why didn't you wear your gloves?" "Because I left them in the house". "No, I brought them for you". "Well clearly I didn't know that, or I'd have worn them." Oh dear, and apparently their communication skills are meant to be really good, but perhaps it's time for a hearing test and an eye test! The joys of getting old and batty.

Billy Bob has been booked in for a service and to get his heating fixed by Clever Bird today! Mind you, they will be staying in him for three nights in two weeks time (when Grotty Groom and Calum take the horses on holiday), before Billy Bob is fixed! Hormonal Hannah needs to keep focussed and make sure that Baggy packs an electric heater so Grotty doesn't freeze to death! She felt the cold with her covering of insulating fat, now that fat has gone, and she's a much slimmer, "Miss Slinky 2016", she really does feel the cold even more. But Billy Bob is very special and Cal and Baggy love him lots, so they will make sure he's looked after.

Creative Clara has made a tiny contribution to the cost of having him fixed. She's had two more orders from her Etsy shop, Realuv in the last two days. Some 1980's clip-on earrings have gone off to Leeds and a pair of cute little Beswick dogs will be whizzing over to America later today. Clever Bird has decided that she will help Clara expand the shop once Baggy has moved to the new house. The Broadband has been ordered for the other house, ready for her to get carried away! She may have only had thirteen orders so far, but bearing in mind that she has only thirty products in the shop at any one time, Clever Bird reckons that this is actually quite impressive! There are literally millions of shops on Etsy, so even Clever Bird is not sure what Clara is doing right, but clearly whatever it is, it's working. Baggy may not have had paid work for years now, but her business acumen is still there and the new confident Baggy plans on putting it to good use. It's helping her to move on with her business plan for the holiday cottage as well. It really is quite amazing just what a relief it is to not have that constant black cloud hanging over everything that Baggy did, making her believe she could do nothing........

Sod's Law.

Baggy, Calum and Minty Mutt once again drove over to "the other" house last night, as they were due to have their new furniture delivered sometime between 7.00am and 7.00pm today. Helpful that! One of those Sod's Laws Clever Bird decided, where if they didn't drive over until Saturday the delivery men would have turned up at 7.00am, but if they did, they'd probably turn up at 7.00pm. As Dodgy truck is in the garage they had to drive over in Billy Bob camper van. Unfortunately, for some reason the heater has stopped working in Billy Bob. Calum discovered this on his way home last Sunday. He was rather cold. As they were in Billy Bob, The Domestic Goddess couldn't really pack much, so she just took their two antique rugs. Calum came in from driving Billy Bob the four miles home from work and promptly put on an extra thick padded shirt and a pair of gloves. Clever Bird registered this, but omitted to note it's significance. Calum normally roams around in a t-shirt, even when it's freezing! Baggy hopped into Billy Bob and asked, "Hmmmm, you have gloves on, do I need a coat?" "Yes". "Oh, I'll be okay, I can't be bothered going back in the house". Off they set in a steamed up camper van. Seriously, how cold can it possibly get, inside a camper? Apparently very cold, as Baggy soon realised. Not only is the heater not working, but it is not possible to close the 1976 vents! The temperature outside was -1deg.C. The temperature inside was soon the same. Baggy's nose went blue. Clever Bird insisted they stop for a takeaway cappuccino! Then fish and chips. By the time they'd finished the ninety minute journey, Baggy couldn't feel her toes.

With not much to do apart from wait, The Domestic Goddess went into overdrive. It's amazing how house proud she has become at the new place. Probably because she can actually seem to keep on top of it, because (as yet at least), it's not entirely over cluttered. Worryingly for Freda Fretter, she's actually enjoying cleaning up the grubby mess the last tenant left. At lunchtime, they had a surprise visit from Calum's brother and sister-in-law, so Baggy did a little tour of the house for them, before they all drank tea and nattered for a couple of hours. As they headed off there was still no sign of the delivery men.

She may have let Baggy freeze last night, but Clever Bird was right about one thing, having driven over last night, the furniture finally arrived at 5.00pm today! Instantly the men left, Hormonal Hannah went into worry mode. It was too big. It was too plain. It didn't go with the rugs. It wasn't as colourful as she remembered. Panic. Clever Bird and Calum took over, and after much rearranging of furniture and rugs, Creative Clara was finally satisfied with how it looked, having realised that the furniture looked plain because it was being overwhelmed by the colourful rugs. And the rugs didn't look as nice as they do at home, because they couldn't "shine". The rugs now have their own "spaces" and look great again.  Calum on the other hand was knackered, as Baggy couldn't even begin to lift one end of the sofa that Calum had to move about five times.

The house is really beginning to feel like their home now. The new sofas are so comfy, that Baggy has already had a little nap on one.

And Creative Clara has actually got an internet signal! Things are going well to plan!

They just need to bring a few more bits of furniture over and start hanging pictures and then they can concentrate on the holiday let. Baggy is feeling extremely positive, as surprisingly is Hormonal Hannah...........

Whoop, whoopedy, whoop whoop!

Whoop, whoopy, whoop whoop! Baggy has done it. Today at Fat Club she had finally lost that last pound and reached her final target weight. What a journey it has been.

As bloggees will have gathered over the months, Baggy has a bit of an addictive personality. She also uses food as a source of comfort. Some folk don't eat properly when they are upset or stressed. Others over eat. Baggy is an over-eater. She also likes food, has a very sweet tooth and eats big portions! When she got together with her number one furry Calum, in May 2008, she weighed 12stone 2lbs. Baggy is five foot ten inches tall, so she was pretty slim. Baggy also eats when she's content. She was very content. She started eating lorry driver-sized portions. She started to put on a few pounds. Not for the first time in her life, she soon weighed over 13stone. As their wedding approached in October 2010 Baggy was doing quite well and had dropped back down to under 13stone. Six weeks before the wedding, Baggy was in Long Melford having her wedding make-up and hair-do practice. Calum phoned her in the morning and said, "I'm not feeling great". "Oh, that's not good. What's up?" "I think I might be having a stroke". "What? I take it you're kidding. What are you doing?" "I'm just driving to my delivery site". "Oh. Okay. Well if you feel worse, take a break". "I will. Enjoy your pampering day". Baggy headed off to a town with no mobile phone signal. When she came out of the hairdressers, looking extremely glamorous, she had nearly twenty missed calls and a dozen messages. Calum had been admitted to the stroke ward at Kettering hospital!

How Freda Fretter didn't cause Baggy to crash her car as she drove to the Midlands, Heaven alone knows. It took the hospital five days to decide that Calum had not had a stroke, he had Bells Palsy. In the next few weeks running up to the wedding Baggy put on nearly a stone and was over 13stone 9lbs on her wedding day, she was so worried for Calum, but thankfully he made a remarkable recovery.

 

Baggy settled into a very happy life with her furries (Hinge and Bracket were her wedding presents), and put on a few more pounds. On Father's Day, June 17th 2012, Baggy and Calum found Baggy's Dad dead in his house. Two weeks later Calum's step father also passed away. They had two funerals to organise, while also trying to organise care for Baggy's Step-Mother who had severe Alzheimer's. It took nearly four months to get legal responsibility for her as a Court of Protection Deputy, with Baggy's sister Debby. A few weeks after Baggy's Dad died, Baggy's Step-Mum attacked one of her carers and Baggy had to have her sectioned. As the stress mounted, the weight piled on. Eventually, Baggy's Step-Mum went into a home and the pressure came off a little. Baggy ate.

In autumn/winter 2012, Grotty Groom was bronced off her beloved Wessles three times in the space of six months. She was hospitalised twice. The second time required an air ambulance and it was weeks before Baggy could walk properly. Baggy ate. Clever Bird decided the scales were wrong when they declared that Baggy was over 14stone. Things started to get back to some sort of normality and Baggy and Calum got into the habit of having a custard slice and a cream slice on a Saturday afternoon. Sometimes a doughnut or two as well. Before the big evening roast and the dessert! The scales crept up to 15stone. Within months they had hit 16stone. Clever Bird decided that was a lie and stopped getting on them.

In early 2015, Wesley's physiotherapist told Grotty that Wesley needed to lose some weight because he has back issues (kissing spine for horsey folk), she also told her that Baggy was now too heavy to ride him, as she was hurting his back (hence him broncing her off when it hurt him)! She was not to ride him again until Baggy had lost at least one stone.

It was the wake-up call that Baggy needed. She started to eat more sensibly and lost half-a-stone. Then she got stuck. She had an NHS health check. "Obese". Blood pressure and cholesterol too high. A couple of people mentioned Slimming World. Clever Bird decided Baggy would fail on her own, so she signed Baggy up to her local Lavenham group, in June 2015. At the first session, she had to stay for the group chat as the weigh-in for newbies was after it. Freda Fretter made Baggy cringe at the group rounds of how people were getting on. She said to the group leader, Vicki, "This is my idea of a nightmare". It's not compulsory to stay, one can just weigh and leave. Baggy got on the scales that day: 15stone 5 1/2lbs. Ouch, but at least she'd already lost well over half-a-stone.

Next week, Baggy was "on it" and lost 4 1/2lbs. She decided to "brave" the group. Everyone was really supportive. She made friends and started to look forward to seeing them at Friday Fat Club as Creative Clara nick-named it. By the end of September (in just three months) Baggy had lost over 2stone. Then she discovered the 15cm mass on her ovary, that was Lawrence-the-durmoid-cyst! Major surgery on November 4th 2015 - weight 13stone. Arm surgery December 3rd 2015. December 30th 2015, Baggy's Step-Mum died. Lots of comfort food. By the time Baggy could drive again, it was January 2016. She headed to Slimming World to find that she had put 7 1/2lbs back on. Realistically, as Lawrence weighed that much(!) she had put on a stone.

But truthfully, she didn't really mind. She was just very happy to be alive. But she started back on her plan. But life got too much: Baggy's Step-Mum's funeral; Grotty having problems with people at the yard; her recovery being long and slow; the menopause hitting her like a ton of bricks. Her weight started to yo-yo - gain one week, loss the next.

Then in July 2016 Baggy was diagnosed with depression and anxiety (not a moment too soon, as Hormonal Hannah was getting close to giving Baggy a breakdown). Counselling. Then HRT and counselling. Then HRT, anti-depressants and counselling all helped. Finally, today sixteen months after starting this wobbly journey, Baggy Body is no longer baggy!

Today she weighed 11stone 12lbs! She got her certificate for having lost 3stone 7lbs and another for reaching her target. Whoop, whoop! She was so delighted, but she really couldn't have done it without Slimming World and the support of her lovely group! But to make it even better, today her group voted for their "Miss Slinky" - the person who has most inspired them on their own weight-loss journey, and they gave it to Baggy and cheered when they did it. Baggy was very touched and just managed to stop Hormonal Hannah from blubbing everywhere. Thank you very much Slimming World, Clever Bird would highly recommend them to anyone who needs a little help in finding a more healthy way of eating............