How do you give yourself permission to truly feel suppressed emotions?

Firstly Clever Bird would like to thank Baggy's lovely bloggees for your support! Creative Clara's blog of yesterday, "Ashamed" has been read by more people than any of her previous blogs and the messages of support that Baggy has received have been heart warming. Part of Baggy's problem of facing her issues, is that Clever Bird will intellectualise everything. In her counselling sessions she flips into a kind of third-party analysis of the influences that have affected her life. She beats the counsellor to identifying the issues and their harmful causal effects. By doing this, she can actually prevent Baggy from truly facing those issues - she prevents her from "feeling" them, and therefore she isn't actually accepting them as being anything to do with her. It almost becomes an academic exercise on Clever Bird's behalf. Then the instant that Baggy starts to "hurt", Hormonal Hannah shuts her down and stops her from "feeling". Baggy's favourite word in these sessions is "sorry", chucked in every time she cries. If she carries on blubbing, Psychic Ploppo steps in and literally switches her off; Baggy's brain stops functioning totally and she can think of nothing at all! Apparently, as safety-mechanisms go, this is an impressive one, but Baggy has no control over it and it is getting a little over used in her sessions. It probably was what she did from childhood and explains why she cannot remember anything of her childhood at all from nine or ten years old, back. And very little from when she was older. But that makes it kind of hard to accept and relive those emotions!

But one thing that has become obvious to Clever bird is that she has never been "allowed" to show those emotions. Even when her Mama left when she was eight, she was told "don't be upset", "don't cry". She was accused by her Step-Mother of shedding "crocodile tears" at her Grandma's funeral! Her real Mum, while dying from pancreatic cancer told Baggy not to cry and when she couldn't not, got cross with her. So suppressing her emotions has been the norm for Baggy for her whole life. Don't misunderstand bloggees, Baggy is ridiculously emotional, she'll cry if she sees someone else crying, even on telly and even if she has no idea why they're crying. She cried like a waterfall when her Mama died and when she found her Dad. But for some reason she cannot let herself feel the eight-year-old Baggy's pain. It is just too scary. But today while talking to Calum she realised that there's also anger in there. Clever Bird is wondering if actually it's the anger that Baggy's scared about. She doesn't want to have to face the fact that maybe she has a right to be angry at her parents, who she loved dearly.

As for the shame that she feels admitting she needs help - again Clever Bird realises it's because she still needs her parents' approval, and they wouldn't approve. Bit of a Catch 22 really one way and another. But the fact that Clever Bird has even recognised any of this has to be a positive...........

Ashamed.

Baggy lives in the country of the "stiff upper lip". The British way is to suppress emotions. Counselling - really? What's wrong with you? Just get on with it. Snap out of it. Don't live in the past. Clever Bird gets the impression that if Baggy lived in the USA things would be different. It may just be the reality programmes that she watches, but it seems that your weird over there if you haven't had counselling - or rather, therapy, as it's called. One goes to therapy for the health of one's mind in the same way as one goes to the gym, for the health of one's body. It's nothing to be ashamed of. So why is it so "shameful" over here to admit that actually, you need some help? But it is. There's a terrible stigma still attached to mental health issues over here. Clever Bird is the first to admit that Baggy is slightly ashamed of herself for seeking help. She still feels as though she doesn't warrant it. But that is all part of the problem - she recognises that a great deal of the damage caused to her mental health is because she doesn't think she deserves anything! Yep, she's sharing to the entire world that she is getting help, but that's because she hopes it might help somebody else to face their own need, and not to be ashamed of admitting it. Why should anyone be ashamed of admitting they need help? Or of telling people that they are depressed and on medication to help? It is nothing to be ashamed of.

In fact if you think it is, then perhaps you should be ashamed of yourself. Things that people should be ashamed of: being judgmental; being unkind; being cruel; making others feel ashamed. There is so much to genuinely be ashamed of in this world - being depressed is so not one of them! And making someone feel as though it is, is frankly just nasty. But that's exactly what Baggy's Step-Mother did to Baggy for years. And you can see it in some people's eyes, if you admit it to them. "Why are you talking about it? Aren't you embarrassed? You should be ashamed of being so weak". No actually, quite the opposite. To admit to a weakness is a strength. To recognise a problem and to try to sort it out, is a strength. To admit that you need help is a strength. To not feel ashamed about it - okay that's not so easy, but Baggy's trying.

So having survived this morning's counselling session, Baggy needed fresh air. Furry Mama obliged. She decided to take Minty Mutt on Baggy's favourite walk through the water meadows. But there were cows in the way. "No problem", thought Clever Bird, "they're all lying down apart from one". Furry Mama set off, with Minty Mutt at heel. The cow watched them and munched grass. Then it decided to come over. Right over! It sniffed Mint's nose. Freda Fretter froze. What to do? Minty seemed quite content that this giant "dog" was saying "hello", Furry Mama wasn't so sure, especially when it started towards Baggy. "Okay Mint, let's get out of here". "Really Mum? But I've got a new friend". The cow snorted. Freda panicked. "Mint, let's go". As they turned round, the cow tried to sniff Mint's bottom. "Mint, MOVE!" "But Mum, she's nice". "Mint she could kill us!" said Freda Fretter in a strangled voice. Baggy's heart rate had doubled, and she couldn't decide whether to run, or saunter. In the end she had no choice as Minty was sauntering. The cow followed with her nose on Mint's back.  They made it to the other side of the kissing gate safely - just. Well done Clever Bird. The detour added twenty-minutes to the forty-five minute walk, but at least they lived. Minty didn't know what all the fuss was about; Baggy was terrified.........

Drugs are good for Baggy apparently!

Day two of full tablet of anti-depressant. So far so good. Furry Mama is once again looking after Jack-the-attack-cat who lives next door. He is being extremely affectionate and purry - clearly he is lulling Baggy into a false sense of security and will pounce at some point! But Furry Mama rather likes cute Jack. He headed out early, as Baggy had her re-appointment at the dentist at silly-o-clock this morning.

Baggy was home again by 9.00am and Furry Mama decided to take Minty Mutt out before it got warm. He decided that it was high time that they did the Dormouse sanctuary walk - quite a long one, through Ager Fen. It's been an absolutely stunning day in little old Suffolk, Baggy enjoyed the walk in her newly spaced-out way. Everything seemed to be in sharper focus somehow and Creative Clara ended up walking along singing to herself.

Minty Mutt seemed to be doing a bit of singing of his own. He's always happy if he can paddle. By the time they got home Clever Bird realised that they had been walking for over an hour-and-a-half! Perhaps not the best plan when Grotty Groom had decided to do the Boys today and had a riding lesson as well!

By the time she'd mucked out and brought the Boys in, she needed tea. It was HOT! The weather that is, not the tea - well both actually, but you get the gist. When her trainer turned up, Grotty was raring to go (in a melty kind of way), even Wesley seemed keen. Now Vicky-May knows Baggy well and in her other job, is a medical sales rep. so she knows all about anti-depressants. She noticed the difference in Baggy as soon as Grotty finished tacking Wesley up. Usually, Baggy is a nervous gibbering wreck before a lesson! Today she sauntered into the manege and hopped on.

"On a scale of one to ten, how nervous are you usually before a lesson?" "Oooooo, an eight or nine", said Grotty. "And today?" "Oh, a two or one!" "Yes and it shows!" said Vicki-May. Wesley agreed, he was as laid back as Grotty as they wandered around the arena to warm up. He didn't seem too fussed about going into a trot, so needed a little encouragement. Then a couple of horses were brought in, past the manege and he got a little interested. Another horse went out on a hack. A man turned up just above the manege. A horse was taken past to the horse-walker. A trailer turned up with a horse on it. And so it went on, with Wesley getting a little livelier with each thing. Baggy remained chilled.

Vicki-May put some poles out; Wesley got excited. And strong. A new horse joined them in the manege to be lunged. Wesley liked the look of her. And got stronger. Baggy stayed chilled. Grotty now really had to ride Wesley who was getting very forward-going and distracted by every little thing. Apart from the fact that Baggy was by now unable to breathe properly, she was grinning her little head off. He might have been keen, but Wesley went beautifully. Grotty was very proud of him.

On the phone on the way home, Clever Bird asked Calum whether he'd seen a difference in Baggy since she's been on the happy pills. He said that he had. "Even though you still get anxious about things, you're nowhere near as nervous about everything as you were before". That was an eye-opener. Clever Bird was well aware that Baggy got anxious and worried about things and she knew Grotty got nervous about riding, what she hadn't realised was that she was nervous (or seemed it to others) about almost everything. But thinking about it, that constant feeling of worry/threat/anxiousness/fear/nervousness, that Baggy has lived with for a very long time now, seems to have pootled off somewhere. Perhaps refusing the anti-depressants whenever they've been offered in the past, because Baggy didn't believe she was depressed (a word bandied about a little too much in Clever Bird's opinion), was a big mistake. Baggy cannot remember the last time that she felt this "normal". In fact she's not sure that she's ever felt this normal before! Long may it last.........

Where does time go?

Not quite sure what happened to yesterday bloggees. It went! The Domestic Goddess was helping Baggy to do a bit of de-cluttering and somewhere along the way, Creative Clara missed the day! Today too has vanished. Wesley had his three-monthly check by his physiotherapist this morning. Last time he was checked he was slightly "lame" and needed a fair amount of treatment. Not today! Grotty Groom is delighted to report that he was pretty much perfect - well as perfect as Wesley gets anyway! Although he's not doing a huge amount of work at the moment, what he is doing in his lessons with Grotty and her trainer, is clearly helping him hold himself properly. Their next lesson is tomorrow afternoon. That will be interesting. Baggy is today on the full dose of anti-depressant for the first time. How can Creative Clara put this? She's a little blurred around the edges. Best hope that Wesley isn't in the sports-car, go-faster mood that he was in for their last lesson two weeks ago. Mind you at least Baggy should be relaxed if Grotty gets nervous.

As she was there and the Boys hadn't been mucked out, Grotty decided to do it herself. Baggy was fine until Grotty tried to empty the giant wheelbarrow. She couldn't do it for love nor money. Creative Clara wondered what the other liveries would think when they saw the upended, but still full, wheelbarrow by the muck heap. The Ghost of Grotty?

Home for Furry Mama to walk Minty Mutt. Clever Bird glanced at the grey overcast sky as they set off and ignored its clear intentions. The sky obliged Baggy by emptying itself a bit, just as Furry Mama got to the furthest point of the walk. Clever Bird's insistence that Baggy wouldn't need her posh pack-a-mac rang in Baggy's slightly soggy ears. But at least it was warm drizzle and it stopped almost as soon as it had started.

Quick healthy lunch, then Baggy had to head out again, this time to the Beauty Parlour. While there she picked up her favourite friend from her childhood - he is not only fixed, he's lost some weight too. He's been with Baggy since she was two years old and she still loves him, so is very happy that he's no longer full of holes! Mini-Baggy was happy to see him home and well.

The Domestic Goddess has just made a healthy spaghetti bolognaise for Baggy. Clever Bird was looking at it wondering what she'd forgotten - that would be the tomato puree then. Some things never change. All sorted now. Meanwhile the Hinge cat decided to investigate Baggy's bag. Think she gets it from Clever Bird?.......

Scary stuff.

Sorry for missing a blog bloggees, but to say that Baggy over did it yesterday, doesn't begin to cover it! Baggy, Calum and Minty Mutt headed over to their other house yesterday, with a view to getting on with their plan! What plan you ask? Well, the one that's been hatching for a while now and that Creative Clara has eluded to a few times. She hasn't actually announced it before a) because Baggy keeps changing her mind and b) because it's a bit of a scary plan. But the plan (for now at least), is to move to the other house! Yes, see - scary! But it makes a lot of sense in lots of ways. For a start, it's a bigger house, with more room for Baggy and Calum's ridiculous amounts of stuff. But it's scary, mainly because it's a new start. But it's still in lovely Suffolk, where both Calum and Baggy grew up, so they both know the area well. But it's that bit too far (an hour-and-quarter away), to be able to leave the horses where they are, so it's a big deal. It's also a big deal because it was Baggy's Dad's and Step-Mum's house (although Baggy never lived there), so it has some dubious memories for Baggy. But, Hormonal Hannah's counselling has helped Baggy to get so much in perspective (for the first time since she was a child), that Clever Bird is pretty sure that she'll be fine. So it's all rather scary, but exciting!

The second part of the plan is to turn their current house into a holiday cottage. Told you Creative Clara had a business plan! It might not happen, as it's quite a big investment, plus there's all kinds of legal stuff to sort out, but it's a germ of an idea at the moment. And it will give Clara a project and another business to run (aside from her tweeny-weeny Etsy shop). But there's so much to sort out. The other house needs a new roof. There is still no start date for this work, but they can't even think about moving in until it's done. So in the meantime, the plan is to gradually start to move things over there and to get the garden in some sort of order and maybe paint the outside of the house!

Yesterday, they were up and retrieving crates from the shed, to take to the other house by 8.00am; crates that Baggy packed three years ago when she tried to de-clutter this house to sell it! Having loaded Cal's Dodge pick-up truck, they set off. At the other end, they unloaded it all, then started to tackle the "little" border by the garage! Over four hours later, Gloria Gardener and Calum had literally filled the Dodge with chopped down bushes, one of which was about fifteen feet high and growing under the garage roof tiles. Calum jumped on the chopped off greenery to flatten it, but it was still a large mound! In the jungle they discovered a water butt that was completely hidden, and exposed an old brick wall. By the time they'd finished, the drive was five feet wider!

A quick dash into lovely Halesworth to buy dehumidifiers to try to help with the damp (from the leaking roof), plus a couple of reed-diffusers to try to help the damp pong, then up to the graveyard on the way back. Flowers for Baggy's Step-Mum and Dad were arranged (badly) by Creative Clara. But for the first time, not one tear was shed! In fact Baggy was chatting to her Dad and Mum and remembering nice things for the first time since her Step-Mum died! It's amazing how far the counselling has brought Baggy and the anti-depressants are definitely helping too. Although Calum has taken to calling Baggy his "little space monkey", she is not quite as spaced out on them as she was. Mind you, tomorrow, she is supposed to double the dose!

Back to the house to set up the dehumidifiers and diffusers, then to Calum's Mum's grave, for more flower arranging. By the time they got home (via the chippy - needs must and there was no way that The Domestic Goddess was cooking), it was 8.30pm. The fish and chips didn't hit the sides. Neither did Minty Mutt's sausage that Furry Mama insisted Calum bought him.

This morning, Cal was up and about and showered by 8.30am. Baggy was not! Cal came back to bed to persuade Baggy to get up, and promptly fell back to sleep, as did Baggy. They re-emerged at 11.00am! Yep, yesterday was really hard work! They decided to go and check whether the tip was open. It was! It took over thirty minutes to try to unload the green waste into the bin. It was so well compacted into Dodgy-truck, that it wouldn't come off. At one point, Calum was disguised as a huge bush, as he carried a stupid amount up the steps to the bin, until it got stuck on the hand-rail. Creative Clara was desperate to take a photo of him, but Clever Bird realised that Cal might have a bit of a sense of humour failure if she did, rather than getting Baggy to at least try to help him.

Calum and Grotty Groom then headed to the yard to see the Boys for the first time since last Sunday. After much grooming, in spite of the dressage competition going on, they decided to go for a hack. It was lovely. Grotty so prefers autumn. Wesley barely head-shook once, so he had a much nicer ride, as did Grotty. They even did a canter up the avenue! Yee-hah.........

Time to focus.

Clever Bird has decided that it's high time that Hormonal Hannah stopped putting the kybosh on Baggy's weight loss. She has spent months and months yo-yoing up and down by a few pounds each week. Silly! Last week she put on three-and-a-half pounds, this week she lost two-and-a-half. Which actually is good considering Victoria sponge (amongst other naughty things), has been consumed this week. But she could have reached her target-weight months ago, if she just kept on the plan, rather than letting Hannah persuade her to comfort eat for the littlest excuse. In theory, she could easily hit her target in two weeks time. Yes bloggees, we will see!

Burning off extra calories helping The Domestic Goddess to deep-clean is helpful. Now the bathroom is (almost) done, she needs to start on the kitchen. That will require some major de-cluttering first. Just as well Clever Bird bought lots of crates. Yes, she is very aware that a better step than just sticking everything in the crates, would be to get rid of it. Especially all the things that haven't seen the light of day for years. But this is Baggy after all, and that would be pushing Hormonal Hannah just too far at the moment! So she's letting her take little steps.

As Minty Mutt didn't get his walk yesterday because Furry Mama was a little too spaced out, she headed straight out after Fat Club.

 

It's a gorgeous day. Autumn has arrived in little Suffolk. If one believes the country sayings, it's going to be a hard winter if there are lots of berries.

 



While Creative Clara admired nature, Minty Mutt sniffed nature - or whatever it is he sniffs.

He missed the stunning fox that suddenly spotted Baggy and looked up, then ran off through the trees. The fox had been drinking at a little pond. It was really rather warm and Clever Bird had left Minty's water at home, so Furry Mama suggested he went and got himself a drink; she should have known better!

 

Freda Fretter immediately regretted the decision when instead of just getting a drink, Minty shot straight in. It seemed quite deep. Freda had visions of Baggy needing to rescue the mutt. But then Clever Bird realised that it wasn't terribly deep, but it was gloopy mud underneath and he was sinking in it. Freda then had visions of him getting stuck. He was absolutely fine - of course! It is a lovely day to be alive.........

Baggy is having a personality transplant.

Thursday is Hormonal Hannah's new Tuesday! Her counselling has moved to today. Clever Bird realised that perhaps she shouldn't take her anti-depressant until after she got home as they are definitely spacing her out. She drove there very slowly, much to the annoyance of the commuters on the windy country roads. But better safe than sorry and all that sensible stuff. It was another tough session, but with more revelations for Baggy. Apparently Freda Fretter can stop worrying about Baggy's brain shutting down whenever something is too bad to face, it's just a coping mechanism that she has mastered so well that it happens automatically. It's only a bad thing if she never faces the issues. But she is not just facing them, she's dealing with them slowly but surely. Progress has once more been made. Clever Bird is also fairly sure that the anti-depressants are already having some kind of an effect too, even though Baggy's only been on them for three days. There was slightly less blubbing today and when Baggy went for a walk and a cappuccino after the session, Creative Clara felt compelled to write some more of her novel!

On the way home The Domestic Goddess insisted on heading off to buy some more storage crates, scrubbing pads and bathroom cleaner! Freda Fretter was slightly worried that Baggy was actually excited about getting home to attack the rest of the bathroom with The Goddess! This is not exactly "normal" behaviour for Baggy as you well know by now bloggees. But neither was Baggy being in the shower this morning with her "Daily Shower Cleaner" spray and a cloth to wipe it all down. Baggy is turning into her sister! Mind you, that's no bad thing, she might even end up with a sparkly house!

Two more hours spent on the bathroom! One crate filled with "stuff" from said bathroom - ridiculous. Clever Bird reckons that she can fill another two. No wonder The Goddess can't keep places clean. But she's determined to at least try. Next step re-painting it now that she can get to the surfaces........

Baggy is a little hyper!

Furry Mama took Minty Mutt to the "pop-up" Post Office in the village this morning to post Creative Clara's latest sale from Realuv. For once, the six hours a week that it's open for worked for Clara! Usually Baggy has at least a ten-minute drive to the nearest one, but for two half-days a week, Baggy's village has its own Post Office in the village hall. Just as well today was one of the days, as Hormonal Hannah's anti-depressant tablets, are still making Baggy a bit too "spacey" to be driving anywhere! Her parcel posted, Baggy set off with Furry Mama and Minty for a pleasant (if rather warmer than they were expecting), walk.

Now Clever Bird isn't entirely sure what's going on with Baggy at the moment, but sitting still and relaxing doesn't seem to be much of an option. She decided to take advantage of this fact and rustled up The Domestic Goddess. Question bloggees - how long does it take to clean a teensy-weensy shower? Five minutes? Fifteen minutes? Baggy took The Goddess in at 11.40am. It started well. Wiping down the tiles and grout; trying to clean the glass of the dried soap; scrubbing off limescale. Clever Bird rolled up Baggy's jeans as she paddled in the water and cleaner. Trying to squat down to do the lower tiles and round the shower base was interesting. Baggy got stuck at one point - it is a very small shower. Getting the yucky weird stuff off, (mould(?), not sure what it is), wasn't so easy. Clever Bird decided Baggy needed tea. Baggy taking it in the shower - not so bright. Squatting down with it in her hand - even less bright. Spilling it on her foot - dumb. Trying to get back up without moving the mug out of the shower - classic Baggy. So once The Goddess had cleared off the new tea stains from the shower and washed Baggy's feet off, she dried off her handy work. It was 1.30pm!!! Nearly two hours bloggees. Two hours to clean a teensy-weensy little shower. And no, it wasn't that bad bloggees. Truly it wasn't! Not great, obviously, but not glaringly mucky. But now it is all shiny and sparkly, Freda Fretter is embarrassed how unshiny and unsparkly it must have been when The Goddess started. Then Freda cast a glance over the rest of the bathroom.

But it was time to meet one of her closest friends for coffee and a catch up. Clever Bird decided that Baggy should shoot into the village shop before she went next door to the café - The Goddess needed rubber gloves.  Correct bloggees, two hours of Baggy's hands in chemicals without gloves! Baggy's feet too for that matter, but Freda didn't hold out much hope for the shop having rubber gloves, let alone rubber socks. Well she was half right - no rubber socks. Much yacking and catching up was done. Victoria sponge was consumed (yeah quite!). Then after a couple of hours and two cappuccinos, while walking Baggy home, Clever Bird concluded that coffee and anti-depressants may not be the best mix. But she made it back on her jelly-legs. And what did she do when she got in? Sit down and relax? No, she got her new rubber gloves out and had The Goddess set to on the toilet, sink and some of the tiles. An hour later, with the smell of chemicals wafting through the house, the bathroom is about one third cleaned. There's nothing like a bit of deep-cleaning to lift the soul apparently. Hormonal Hannah is a little concerned that Baggy seems to be enjoying The Goddess's work, but Clever Bird thinks that she should just take advantage of the situation while it lasts. Autumn cleaning is fun..........

From little acorns.........

Baggy woke at silly o'clock once again, feeling more than a little nervous, not for herself, but for her husband. Calum was due to have some major dental work done at 8.00am this morning and Freda Fretter was as worried as Cal was. Clever Bird decided that as Baggy would need to drive him home, Baggy had better not take Hormonal Hannah's anti-depressant tablet this morning, as she was worried that Baggy would be way too spaced-out to be safe behind the wheel. As it turned out, it wasn't a problem, as the work didn't happen! Calum had to have two teeth out six weeks ago, and was today due to have posts screwed in to take new teeth. Having the teeth out was apparently agony! Today, after an x-ray, the dentist declared that he couldn't do anything today as his jaw bone had not "grown back enough" for him to operate. Ewwwwwwww! No wonder it hurt six weeks ago. So after all the worry, they ended up just heading home again, with a new appointment in two weeks time. (For a repeat performance of the worry).

As Calum had taken the day off, a bit of window-shopping in Sudbury, was followed by a breakfast in town. When they got home Baggy took Hannah's anti-depressant and went all "spacey" again. Lots more ideas were hatched for Baggy's (yet to be revealed) business plan. Then Creative Clara suddenly came over all inspired. She hadn't written a word of her novel for weeks, possibly months, but this afternoon she felt the need to write. In fact, once again the novel seemed to be writing itself. Her pen didn't stop flowing. Clever Bird realises that the anti-depressants can't really have kicked in after only a day, but something's been re-released in Baggy's brain, that's been blocked for some time. In fact she only stopped writing when Clever Bird realised that Clara had had another order from her little Etsy shop Realuv, the second order this week. It might be little, but Clara must be doing something right with it for it to be noticed amongst the few million shops on Etsy! From little acorns.......

Baggy has given in to the drugs.

Baggy had to get up with the fairies (and Calum - or maybe that's the same thing), anyway she had to get up at stupid o'clock, as she had a doctor's appointment at 7.40am. Frankly, that's just wrong. How Calum does it nearly every day is beyond Clever Bird. Baggy drove to the surgery, trying to keep her eyes open and was there by 7.30am. Today was the day for Clever Bird to discuss sorting out Hormonal Hannah even more. She's already being helped (a little) by the HRT, but Baggy's counsellor is of the view that Baggy needs to consider anti-depressants. The doctor has already suggested them twice and nearly had her head snapped off for her trouble, as Clever Bird is very anti them. Why? Because she's scared of them. She is well aware that Baggy has an addictive personality, plus she really doesn't want to admit to herself that Baggy is suffering from depression (as opposed to feeling rather down at the moment). Also, she's been on them once before, many years ago.

"When was that?" asked the doctor. "Oh, it must have been at least fifteen years ago" responded Baggy. Clever Bird has since realised that it was actually over twenty-five years ago!! "What were you on, can you remember?" "Yes, I'm pretty sure it was Prozac, but I was on Valium at the same time and had no clue what planet I was on. So I'm rather scared of drugs. My body seems to soak stuff up like a sponge". The questions continued. Baggy began to have another out-of-body experience, which she tried to explain to the doctor. More questions. "Have you ever thought that it might be better if you weren't here?" Clever Bird wondered whether to be honest or not. Concluded that she had better be, as surely everyone has thought that at some point. Haven't they? Burst into tears. Apologised. Said she was "fine", but sick of feeling like this. "Like what exactly?" Good question doc. "Well, urmmm, kind of 'squashed'", said Creative Clara.  "The counsellor was concerned that my mood swings are so dramatic that I could do with 'levelling out'" said Baggy in a little voice. "Yes, counselling can be adversely affected. What happens when you're feeling up?" "Well, I do stupid things like buying a camper van, or other expensive stuff I can't afford". "I see". Much thinking. "Well, you know that I believe that you would benefit from being on anti-depressants". Okay Freda Fretter, do not speak.

"I've sent a prescription to the chemist, but it doesn't open until 8.00am. Just take half a tablet a day for the first week, then one a day. Come back and see me again in three weeks". Baggy ambled out to her car to wait for the chemist to open. She almost nodded off. Home again, Furry Mama decided to take Minty Mutt straight out before Baggy decided to go back to bed. Fifty minute walk. Home to a cooked breakfast (including some sausage for Baggy and the mutt). Then Clever Bird decided that Freda needed to let her read the blurb on the anti-depressants. Citalopram. Well!!!! Freda Fretter told Clever Bird that she was an idiot for agreeing that Baggy should take such terrifying drugs. Clever Bird got cross and shoved a half-tablet into Baggy before Baggy ran off. Creative Clara immediately began to think that Baggy was experiencing a number of the side effects! But imagination, or not, Baggy is now feeling rather spaced out! The doctor said that they would make Baggy feel more "laid back". Baggy said that "laid back" would be good, as opposed to the "tether about to snap" mode that she was getting used to. Calum said, "He hopes they work, even though he hopes that they don't". What? "Well, I don't want you to get addicted to them and need them. But it would be good if they helped". Okay, so Baggy has clearly been more of a messy nightmare than even she realised. Clever Bird did say to the doctor that her husband was a Saint for coping with her at the moment. Let's hope they don't space Baggy out too much. The gang have a lot to do..............

Grotty and Wesley may have finished Baggy off today.

Grotty Groom was determined to get Baggy to ride the Boy Wessles today. She hasn't ridden for over a week. She was also keen for Calum to ride Joey, as they've had about three weeks off. Fortunately for Grotty it was a cooler much more overcast day today, so Clever Bird was optimistic that Wesley might not head-shake too much. They headed over at lunchtime, having totally forgotten to eat anything. The Boys were still out, so stage one was to get them in. By the time they were in and groomed and tacked up, the sun had come out, but it was still pleasantly cool. Clever Bird wanted them to stay on the roads, as being on the grass seems to make Wesley's head-shaking worse. They mounted up and Calum headed straight up the hay field. Sigh.

Within ten minutes Baggy's back was burning from Wesley's constant pulling on the reins, as he threw his head about. As Calum turned left onto the lane, that Grotty was expecting him to turn right on, Clever Bird piped up, "Urrrrrm, where are we going?" A long explanation followed, which included going down a very steep hill. A hill much too steep to go down safely on any horse as the tarmac is so slippery, let alone one that's tossing its head about so much, that he'd already tripped over once in the first ten minutes. Calum said, "Actually, maybe we should go up the hill, rather than down it". "Good idea". Phew. They did a 180deg. turn on the single-track lane and headed off again. Baggy was soon in agony. Back burning. Stomach hurting. Neck aching. Fingers dying. Clever Bird was thinking that perhaps Grotty should just head back. But Freda Fretter was worried that this was just an excuse because Baggy was not feeling confident. So when Calum asked whether Baggy wanted to head back, Grotty said "no".

They rode for an hour and a quarter. Wesley got a little agitated when he got hot and whenever they went on any kind of grass he was rather keen to go fast, but fortunately he didn't. They were both very good lads. But by the time they got back Baggy felt quite poorly. Then Calum pointed out that it was nearly 3.30pm and so far today they had had a cup of tea, and nothing else. That would explain why Baggy spent the next ten minutes draped over Wesley's stable door, trying to feel less weird, as Wesley nuzzled her. A cup of tea helped! Horses washed down, then more grooming done, while Grotty waited for Wesley's new neighbour to come in. He's a very large six-year old, who seemed quite keen to say "hi" to Wessles. Cute.

Home now to a healthy salmon supper, but Clever Bird suspects that Baggy will be rather stiff tomorrow, but at least Grotty has done her first long hack out in quite a while........

Some conversations just shouldn't take place.

Conversation: "When did I start to look so old?" asked Hormonal Hannah of Baggy's husband. "When you let yourself go grey". "Oh!" Ouch. "But I thought you liked my hair grey". "I do, but it makes you look old". "Oh!!" Ouch. "Well, we are old aren't we? Mind you, you're quite a lot older than me", said Calum. Ouch, ouch, ouch. "Oh". "I thought perhaps it was because I've lost over three stone and my skin has gone old-lady baggy and wrinkly", said Freda Fretter in a little voice. "Well, that doesn't help either". "Oh!!!!!!!" Big ouch. "Well, you could always do some arm exercises; there are weights in my car". Hmmmmm! Creative Clara is too embarrassed to mention what he suggested for the baggy chins. Note from Clever Bird to the rest of the gang, if you don't want to know the answer, do not ask Baggy's husband the question!

Conversation: Hairy Biker Hen phoned the garage to book her motorbike in for his first MOT. "I can't believe he's already three years old, he only has about three hundred-odd miles on the clock." "Well of course that's an instant fail now". "WHAT? Nooooooo!" "Yes, sorry, but it's deemed to be cruelty to motorbikes". "Oh!" Ouch.

Conversation: Sitting at Ipswich hospital with Baggy's husband after he'd just had his second visit of the week. An ultrasound on Wednesday a Flexible Cystoscopy today. A kidney x-ray to be arranged. "You won't have any holiday left at this rate. Will you have to work over Christmas again?" "Probably". "Oh". Feeling sad. "When is Christmas this year anyway?" asked Clever Bird. "December the 25th". Sigh.

Conversation: While watching the end of the film "The Golden Compass". "I do like the name Serefina" said Calum. "Yes, it's a lovely name", agreed Creative Clara. "Well, if by any quirk of fate we end up with a daughter, it would be a good name". "That would be one ****ing dramatic quirk", spluttered Baggy.........

Baggy is seriously fed up!

Fat Club. Yes. There's always next week, but at least Baggy enjoyed seeing her friends. Over £400 spent on the way home by Furry Mama! Poor Minty Mutt needs his medicine and bearing in mind that the house still has fleas, she also bought everybody treatments. Although Clever Bird is wondering whether that will help, bearing in mind that Furry Mama has religiously treated them every month this year, hasn't seen a flea on any of them, but they're still in the house.

Healthy lunch cooked and eaten and just finished as Calum arrived home. He noticed that there was post in the letter box. Psychic Ploppo had a bad feeling about it. She was right. Letter from the solicitor (so that is probably another £150 on the ever growing bill), trying to persuade Baggy to still buy the piece of land in the garden of their other house. Effectively, nearly £5,000 for a piece of land that is about fifteen feet square. Bearing in mind, as Clever Bird knows, that the red line on the land registry is a "guide line" only; it can be out by a few metres!!!!!! Hence needing the extra bit of land outside the garden boundary, bought by the enemy, so that the land registry know where the "red line" goes! It's not rocket science. Well Baggy didn't think it was, but the enemy won't sell the extra few square feet , because "it makes no sense on the ground". Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Hormonal Hannah gave Baggy a meltdown. She is not sure how many times she has to explain the situation to the solicitor. SHE HAS HAD ENOUGH AND IS NOT INTERESTED IN BUYING LAND THAT ADDS NO VALUE TO THE PROPERTY FROM A MAN WHO IS JUST OUT TO MAKE MONEY. And breathe. Clever Bird got Calum to phone and tell the solicitor this AGAIN. He doesn't work on Fridays. Calum spoke to his secretary. Freda Fretter knows that in spite of this, Baggy will get a phone call on Monday explaining to her why she is making a mistake. Even Calum is not understanding why Baggy is getting so stressed about this, but she has had enough. Every call, every letter adds serious money to the bill and is getting them absolutely nowhere. The trick now will be for Baggy not to comfort-eat her way through this week as well........

Baggy has an angel.

Sorry for going AWOL yesterday bloggees, it was a funny old day. Baggy was once again at Ipswich Hospital. But this time it wasn't for herself, nope it was for her number one furry Calum, who's having investigative tests. They'll be back there again on Saturday for him to have more tests. Truthfully, Clever Bird has no idea what they're actually testing for. In fact she's not sure that Calum knows either, as knowing him as Furry Mama does, she knows that he won't have asked. Freda Fretter would rather not know anyway. If all the tests are okay, then she doesn't need to worry, right? But it's now getting to the stage where Baggy has been to pretty much every single department in the hospital! In fact she probably would have been, had two of her hospital trips not been to other hospitals. Sorry bloggees, but she's joking because Furry Mama is worried about Baggy's husband, but Baggy will be there for him regardless. She did have a conversation with him that perhaps they are wearing out the "in sickness" vow now. His response - "yes, you are". It's true, Baggy is still well ahead! Clever Bird just hopes it stays that way.

So, having comfort-eaten her way through the week, including yesterday having an uncontrollable desire for a well-known burger, (even though ordinarily she really doesn't like them), Clever Bird got Baggy into action today; it is after all Fat Club tomorrow. Furry Mama took Minty Mutt on a long walk, before the heat got too much. The Domestic Goddess went mad cleaning! Then Grotty Groom looked after the Boys for the second time this week. In the heat! Again. She possibly shouldn't have done, as Baggy hadn't recovered from doing them on Tuesday. Although she took it easy on Tuesday, yesterday Baggy's stomach was weirdly swollen and the heat coming off the scar - well, put it this way, if Baggy was a horse, the vet would have been called out! She took it even easier today, but Clever Bird realised that what hurts Baggy is the twisting movements Grotty has to do when sweeping, or filling haynets, or worst of all, filling the water buckets. But in spite of the pain and stomach-grabbing Baggy was doing, Grotty Groom really enjoyed the work.

Poor Wessles is really suffering with this weather though. His head-shaking is terrible. Grotty could see how distressed he was as she walked out to the paddocks. The poor lad was throwing his head around so badly, that Clever Bird wondered whether there might be a fly stuck in his fly mask. He was pacing and bashing his head on his chest. Grotty called to him. As soon as he heard her, he whinnied and trotted, then galloped to the gate. Clever Bird had been going to get Grotty to take Joey in first, but as he was happily munching, she changed her mind. The moment Grotty took his fly mask off, Wesley rubbed his poor painful nose on Baggy - nearly knocking her through the electric fence in the process. Poor sausage. But walking him in was a real challenge. He was in so much discomfort that when he wasn't trying to rub his nose on Baggy, he was tossing his (very large, heavy) head about so much that Baggy had to keep jumping out of the way, so as not to get bruised by his bridle. In the end he snatched a branch off a tree and Grotty decided to let him have it, in the hope that it might distract him a bit. It did. Bless him, the worst things for affecting horses who head shake: pollen, flies, wind, bright light and heat! At the moment he has to contend with all of them. Clever Bird is well aware that it would be better if he was still being turned out at night, rather than during the day, but after Grotty found a plait in his mane, there's no way that Freda Fretter is going to let Grotty risk Wesley being stolen. But she does feel bad for him. Fortunately thunder storms are forecast for tonight, so selfish or not, Baggy is praying that that will be the end of this hot weather. Roll on autumn.

This evening, while munching a healthy supper, Creative Clara was watching an old programme on the telly, "Touched by an Angel". It's a bit of a soppy, feel good programme, obviously about angels and invariably it "touches" Baggy and makes her cry at some point, but what it did do this evening, is remind Baggy that she has an angel in her life; his name's Wesley. And yes bloggees, Psychic Ploppo truly does believe that. Wesley chose Baggy to be his human shortly after her Mama died unexpectedly (over eleven years ago now), and he's been there for her ever since, so not spending time with him has been hard for both of them. Baggy knows that he is there for her, she just hopes that he knows that she'll always be there for him......

Baggy is all floaty and in a good place - after having a total revelation!

It will come as zero surprise to you bloggees who have been through it, that Baggy is finding counselling tough. Not just mentally either - it is physically exhausting. Baggy was shaking like an autumn leaf in a storm at one point this morning. A very little leaf in a gale; trying to hang onto the branch for all she was worth; terrified of what would happen if she let go, but knowing that she had to if she wanted to be able to live a life, free of the burden that's been affecting her life and decisions, since she was a small child. Suddenly she had no choice, the power making her let go was overwhelming. And guess what happened bloggees, she didn't disappear, or visit a space so dark there was no coming back from it; no, she lived to tell the tale. Nothing too terrible happened, it was very draining, but she just kind of floated off. Yes it was scary. Yes it made her feel sick. Yes she felt completely spaced out. But then she landed back on terra firma and she wondered why she'd been so terrified to let go in the first place!

Admittedly, as Baggy left the doctors' surgery, she still felt rather spaced out and "floaty", but that was in part due to the fact that she felt as though an enormous weight, a weight that she's been carrying for nearly fifty years, had finally moved a fraction from off her shoulders. Creative Clara repeats herself, but tough as it is, counselling is certainly working for Baggy. Clever Bird just wonders why she didn't do it years ago. Actually, that's a lie - Clever Bird (as of this morning's session), knows exactly why she didn't do it years ago! It is all tied together with her issues. Issues that she is finally truly facing and getting her head around! She had absolutely no true idea of just how much she has been "beating herself up" for the last fifty years. This morning was a revelation in more ways than one.

Of course, as only Baggy can, she seemed to freak the counsellor out a little once again. Mainly because Psychic Ploppo was not only hearing voices (particularly her Mama's), but she was answering them out loud. Is there such a thing as slightly schizophrenic? Or a schizophrenic with only friendly helpful voices? Are all medium's schizophrenic? Baggy kept apologising for Ploppo's marginally bizarre behaviour, while being totally unable to stop her from carrying it on. But this evening, Baggy feels better than she's felt in a very long time.

This feeling is also partially due to Grotty Groom looking after her Boys today. She had them turned out this morning, then pootled over at lunchtime (on the hottest day of the year - clever Clever Bird, only 31deg.C), to do every thing else. Grotty did at least take it easy on Baggy, she worked in slow motion and didn't push her to rush the work. It is after all only the second time Grotty has worked in a year! She was just about to go and get them in, when she realised there was a loose horse causing total chaos, galloping around the paddocks (Wesley's erstwhile, favourite trick), so she was a little concerned how they would react. Fortunately, Baggy's friend Sarah, was just arriving and offered to come out with her. She brought Joey in, while Grotty brought The Boy Wessles in and both horses were so relaxed that you'd never know that all the horses had been hurtling round their paddocks - well possibly, all the horses apart from Wesley and Joey!

This evening even The Domestic Goddess cheered Baggy up! Rump steak, baked potato and salad consumed, Baggy is now chain-drinking tea.........

Baggy is fighting her depression by planning for once.

Baggy had that Monday feeling again, so action was required! Firstly, after much phoning and rearranging of appointments, Baggy sorted her letter for the solicitor withdrawing from purchasing the land at their other house. She then took Furry Mama and Minty Mutt off to post it. It was hot, so they did the "wetlands" walk so that Mint could throw himself into the muddy stream.

It's such a beautiful day, but Hormonal Hannah had Baggy close to tears as she walked. As this wasn't great, Clever Bird decided to distract her by getting her to think about her future. This is not something that Baggy does, or has ever really done. Usually she just lives from day-to-day, or if she's feeling positive, maybe a week or so ahead. The future is, well, just that, the future, not something that requires much thought. So when she does decide to think about it, it has a habit of putting her into a panic. Take marrying Calum for example, as that required a few months of planning ahead, it freaked her out rather a lot. But when she worked, her whole life was planning ahead - in fact Clever Bird is seriously good at forward planning and project management. Just not for herself. But in her new frame of mind, she started. Using her brain cheered her up instantly.

By the time they got home, it really was incredibly warm and as Minty Mutt was covered in pongy stream mud, Furry Mama decided to give him a shampoo in his paddling pool. He's now rather fluffy. But at least he smells nice. As he dried off she then gave him a brush and groomed a small cat out of him.

Clever Bird decided to get Baggy out of the heat and to write a few notes, to try to clarify her planning. Pros and cons written down, she had a light-bulb moment. Previous decisions have now been turned on their head. She phoned Calum to see what he thought. There's one thing about driving around the country in an HGV on your own all day, you have an awful lot of time to think. Unlike Baggy, Calum thinks about the future a lot. It would seem that (not for the first time), he was one step ahead of Baggy. It looks as though a lot of things might be changing for the Baggy household in the future........

A Suffolk Sunday.

Today didn't go according to plan. Overslept. Decided it was too late and too hot to go to the horse show they'd planned on watching. Sat about for a bit. Had a Sunday fry-up. Then Clever Bird decided that they shouldn't waste the day and asked Calum what he fancied doing. So they headed off in Billy-Bob to the lovely Lavenham to investigate house colours! In spite of its initially "modern" appearance, their other house is actually fundamentally a seventeenth century cottage and as it needs re-painting, Creative Clara is wondering about a change. It used to be a Suffolk pink, but then Baggy's Dad painted it a creamy colour.

So Clara took her camera for a bit of inspiration.

It's colourful in little old Suffolk. Clara is quite liking the idea of mustardy yellow, with bluey-green architraves and white window frames. Cream and white seems a little too ordinary somehow.

As it was Sunday and no food shopping had been done, they decided to treat themselves to a Sunday roast at a lovely pub. Minty Mutt enjoyed the pork crackling no end. Probably not as much as Baggy enjoyed the (forbidden) chocolate and honeycomb dessert though. Hmmmm!

On the way home Calum and Grotty Groom decided that they needed cuddles, having once more lost a weekend without riding the horses. Wesley and Joey were contentedly munching hay when they arrived but seemed pleased to see them, especially when they got the grooming kits out. There's nothing like a good old scratch to keep a horse happy.........

Decisions, decisions......

Baggy and Calum took Gloria Gardener over to their other house today. Clever Bird was worried that the place looks so neglected. Despite the contract for the tenants clearly stating that they have to maintain the garden the last one didn't touch it. There is a little border all along the front of the cottage and it is so overgrown that it's crawling up in front of the windows. Well, it was. No more. Three hours of cutting, pruning, weeding and digging later, the border looks rather neater. Sadly although Calum and Gloria did a sterling job, Creative Clara not only forgot to take before pictures, she also forgot to take after ones. So you'll just have to take her word for it, that they worked very hard.

While they were there, four different locals, two of whom neighbour the cottage, tried to persuade Calum and Baggy to move in - because "the house deserves to be loved again". Hmmmm! But for the first time Baggy actually managed to be at the house without crying, so that's a step in the right direction. The poor place is so neglected though. All the carpets need replacing. The very large dog who's been living there has wee'd on most of them and contrary to the estate agent's view that they were okay because they've been professionally cleaned, they really are not okay. The whole house needs painting inside and out, but there's not much point in doing that until the three roofs have been totally taken off and re-laid. The garden is a jungle - but as it doesn't legally belong to the house it can stay that way until the situation is resolved - or not. The damp is terrible! Hopefully the roof being fixed will sort it, but that too remains to be seen. Just having all the windows open today for a few hours seemed to help - but the smell! The smell has been there for as long as Baggy's Dad lived there and Baggy always thought it was the smell of stale tobacco smoke, as her Dad was a pipe smoker. And, no, it wasn't one of the lovely fragrant tobaccos, it was a really pongy one! But her Dad died over four years ago, so there's no way that was the smell. The smell was, and is, the damp! It wafted out of the windows as Gloria and Calum worked. But damp or not, it still reminded Baggy of her Dad's tobacco, but this time, instead of that making her cry, she found it rather comforting.

Having made a tiny start on getting the cottage looking a little more loved, Baggy and Calum felt a lot better about it. They now feel that they can probably do quite a lot of the sorting out themselves - time permitting. Then they need to figure out what to do with it once it's sorted. Every time that Baggy thinks she's made a decision...........

Time for a reality check - is Baggy recovered yet?

Okay bloggees, as this is supposed to be an honest account of Baggy's road to recovery, let's get Creative Clara to say it like it is. It is now ten months since Baggy's Lawrence-the-durmoid-cyst surgery and nine months since the surgery on her right arm. More than enough time for Baggy to be 100% back to normal right? Wrong. Obviously the first lot of surgery was "major". The second lot - not so much - however Clever Bird forgot two things when she wanted Baggy to have both surgeries so close together. Firstly, it took her six months to recover from the same cubital tunnel surgery on her left arm (a year previously), and that wasn't a full recovery, just enough for her to be able to ride and do the horses again. But Grotty Groom went back too soon and gave Baggy pneumonia! So bearing in mind that Baggy is right-handed, it is hardly surprising that her right arm is still not totally back to normal (if it ever will be). Secondly, the body can only cope with so much trauma and will focus on the "worst" thing first. So the arm surgery detracted from Baggy's body sorting out her major stomach surgery. Additionally, it also meant that Baggy had three lots of general anaesthetic in under twelve months! A lot to take for any body, let alone an old one like Baggy's. Then of course, just three weeks after her arm surgery (in Christmas week), Baggy's stepmother died and Baggy's demons were released and she started to unravel. But the total tipping point for Baggy was Grotty Groom not being able to see her horses, because Baggy just couldn't cope with the people she had to deal with there. As her horse Wesley, literally keeps Baggy sane, this was the last straw. Hormonal Hannah began to dominate the gang totally and Clever Bird realised two things: the menopause was affecting Baggy dramatically (having had everything including both ovaries whipped out with Lawrence), and Baggy had slipped into depression.

So Baggy has taken action. She's now on HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). Truthfully, Clever Bird is unsure whether this has helped much, other than to have reduced the frequency and intensity of Hormonal Hannah's hot flushes. She has attended the Stress Management course, which just confirmed that she did know how to deal with stuff, as long as she remembered to do it before it overwhelms her. She is having counselling, that awful though it is, certainly seems to be helping. And she has looked after the horses again - admittedly only once, but still, it's a start. This week Baggy is going back to see the Doctor, because Clever Bird has finally admitted that perhaps Baggy's counsellor and Doctor are right and she should think about going on anti-depressants.

But the fact is that Baggy's overwhelming feeling at the moment is one of guilt. Guilt that Grotty isn't back at work being uppermost. Guilt therefore, that it is costing a small fortune to have the horses looked after. Guilt, guilt, guilt. However, as Calum pointed out, he watches Baggy doing things on a day-to-day basis and he can see that she is not back to normal. (Whatever normal is for Baggy!) Even Clever Bird is well aware that Baggy frequently grabs her stomach when she is lifting, or twists suddenly, because it hurts. She knows that Baggy cannot lift things that she lifted easily before. She also knows that she cannot even stand up or sit down onto the sofa as easily as she used to - thanks to no real stomach strength any more, because her abs were cut through. But even Clever Bird got a shock just now, when she watched The Domestic Goddess struggling to open a can of salmon; trying to twist the stiff can opener had Baggy's elbow burning. So Clever Bird is trying to get Freda Fretter and Hormonal Hannah to back off a bit and has come up with a better plan. Instead of the all-or-nothing approach that Grotty has, Clever Bird is going to get her to build her work up. So starting next week, Grotty will look after the horses for two days, but even then she won't do everything. She'll have them turned out in the morning, then head up later in the day to muck out etc before bringing them in. Just one trip to the yard instead of two a day (saving an hour) and just two walks to the paddocks a day, instead of four, saving another thirty minutes. Instead of focussing on how much extra the horses are costing, she'll focus on the amount that she's beginning to "save". Little steps!

Meanwhile, The Goddess is helping out Furry Mama. Is it possible bloggees that Minty Mutt has too many toys?

 

And of course "F" is for Fat Club, well yes, and Friday, and today was the day. The good news is that in spite of Baggy having a fairly stressful week (understatement), she was determined not to make herself feel even more miserable by comfort-eating and piling on more weight! She succeeded! She has lost the three pounds that she put on last week..........