Facing fears!

A very dear friend of Baggy's who's a bit of an expert in the field of mental health, suggested to Clever Bird that she should get Baggy to write down her ten worst fears and then "grade" them in terms of their scariness. Much against Hormonal Hannah's wishes, Baggy did so and sent her friend the list. By which time it was very late and her friend was no longer on t'internet. So Clever Bird came to her own conclusions! The least scary things listed, but still pretty heart-stopping scary for Baggy, were de-cluttering and throwing away old clothes. As these were the "easiest" to do something about, Baggy decided to make Hannah face the fear and do a bit of de-cluttering. Well kind of! The easiest target was the medium-sized shed. The logic, well The Domestic Goddess and Calum had a kitchen designer come round yesterday morning! If they are to make this house their forever home, the kitchen HAS to be improved. Even if they're not, it still needs improving. What has that to do with the shed, I hear you ask? Well in the shed has sat a brand new (in as much as it's been used about four times) cooker, for the last seven-and-a-half years. The designer needed to know its size. Clever Bird sent Calum in to the shed to measure it. There was an awful lot of blue language and things being thrown across the garden as he tried to get to it. So as it was way too hot to ride yesterday, Clever Bird decided to start attacking the shed instead.

The thing is, Baggy is possibly one of the world's worst hoarders, except that Calum could well be worse. The truth is that most of the "stuff" in the shed is Cal's rather than Baggy's; so she lived slightly vicariously by making him be "ruthless" with his junk. See - clever! There were about four boxes of Baggy's books in there, which have not been unpacked since her house move before last - so nearly nine years ago - which she carefully unpacked and then repacked in plastic crates. Well it's sacrilege to throw books away right? She did do a sterling job of throwing away (in the recycling bin) every cardboard box from everything that has been bought in the last three years! Meanwhile Calum turned into a semi-ruthless ninja.

It took most of the day, but in the end it was worth it. There is now actually a floor to the shed and they moved the tiny freezer in there so there is also more room in the kitchen.

Last night by way of celebration, Calum took Baggy out for a meal. Yes you're quite correct bloggees, Baggy didn't actually throw anything away apart from cardboard and an old chair, but Calum did, so it was worth celebrating. After wine and very non-diet food, Baggy was sozzled and had a brain-wave, but she'll save that for another day, as research is required! Exciting eh?

Then bed, so no blog. Then half the night awake, trying to think about the brainwave. Up early today so Grotty Groom and Calum could ride before it got too hot. Food shopping, which included a genius hippy-curtain to keep the flies out.

Now blogging in Baggy's woman-cave in the garden watching Minty Mutt playing in his paddling pool. Lovely weekend.........

One less thing for Freda Fretter to worry about for now.

Baggy has some wonderful friends and family. Thank you for your support. She has Hormonal Hannah under vague control today thanks to everyone being so kind. As usual it was lovely to go to Fat Club this morning, even though she had put weight on - just half-a-pound, so frankly that is fine, considering how rubbish she has been. Clever Bird reckons that Furry Mama and Grotty Groom saved the day with all the exercise they've been making Baggy do this week to keep Hormonal Hannah quiet.

This evening Calum also had to go for a weight-check as he's under strict instructions to lose weight as he has been told he's pre-diabetic. As Baggy is not entirely sure how Hannah and Freda Fretter would cope if he develops diabetes, Clever Bird is determined to try to help him to avoid it as she knows that diabetes can be difficult to manage at the best of times; stuck in a lorry all week, starting work in the early hours and sleeping parked in lay-bys on his own - nigh on impossible to manage, especially if you've never had to. So even The Domestic Goddess has rustled up things for him to take and keep in his tiny lorry-fridge. He has been trying so hard. Clever Bird knows that he was nervous about tonight, what she hadn't realised (although in Baggy's current state-of-mind, it's hardly surprising), was that Freda Fretter was worrying Baggy sick about it! Even though Calum had bought some scales and convinced himself that in five weeks he had lost nothing, Clever Bird knew that he must have lost weight because he's gone down a trouser size. He got on the scales and realised that he had lost 13lbs - nearly a stone and was clearly delighted. The gang are so proud of him as they know it's really not easy to lose weight, especially without the support of a group and a plan! But he's done it and now knows that he can carry on in the same way and lose more. As Baggy drove them home after the appointment, she was struggling to stay awake and realised just how stressed she had been beforehand. Why? Well because she knows her husband, and if after all his efforts he had not lost weight, he would not just have given up, he'd probably have eaten back-to-back doughnuts in a fit of peak! So The Goddess has just rustled up prawns and couscous and Freda can stop worrying for a while...........

As if yesterday wasn't stressful enough!

Well since Clever Bird's monumental cock-up yesterday, making Hormonal Hannah miss her Stress Management Course by 24-hours, Baggy has been a mess! Hannah is too strong a personality to be kept at bay for terribly long at the moment it would seem. But at least Baggy was so exhausted by all the drama that she slept pretty well last night for once. In fact she had a lie-in. Quite right bloggees, she shouldn't have done - it's against the Stress Management strategy, but she did anyway. So she had to shoot straight out for her appointment at her beauty parlour in Long Melford (she needs all the help she can get) without time for Furry Mama to walk Minty Mutt first.

Before coming home Hannah felt a bit sorry for Baggy and took her for a cappuccino first (well yes - and a sausage roll and a piece of lemon cake), flipping hopeless woman! Comfort eating when it's Fat Club tomorrow is not terribly helpful. Still, it did cheer Baggy up. It also gave Furry Mama the energy to take Minty Mutt out for a walk. When they got home Baggy emptied the post box. There were a few letters, including one from the NHS. "Weird", thought Clever Bird as she opened it.

Re: Treatment

"What treatment?", wondered Freda Fretter, "Have I missed something?" Clever Bird read on:

"Unfortunately you did not attend your most recent Stress Control class. I am therefore assuming that you no longer wish to be contacted by the Service, and have discharged you accordingly".

Seriously - WHAT? No, letter or call to check that Baggy is actually okay, or had a genuine reason for not attending. It's not as if she's worried about stuff and depressed is it? Not as if she might need help? Not as if she just made a monumental cock-up in her stressed state of mind? No, thanks for that, just send out a letter literally the day of the course, with no suggestion even that perhaps Baggy should call with an explanation! (Which incidentally she did within two minutes of discovering her stupid mistake). Clever Bird read on through Hormonal Hannah's panic tears:

"At the point of referral your score on our PHQ9 questionnaire, measuring depression symptoms, was 7/27. At the last session your score was 11/27. Your score on our GAD7 questionnaire, measuring anxiety symptoms was 6/21. At the last session your score was 13/21".

"So not the 7 and 8 scores that Baggy was told at the time", thought Clever Bird, "and not out of 10 either, which is good news. But, they've got worse - considerably worse in fact!" Yet without any discussion Baggy has been "discharged". Hormonal Hannah lost it - for once she got cross, not teary and made Baggy phone to explain (again) that she had not missed the session intentionally and would like to be put on the next course. Another lovely lady said "Not to worry, she would speak to the counsellor and make sure yesterday's conversation was made clear". Hmmmm!? Clever Bird decided that Baggy needed to be worn out and dragged her out to the garden so that Creative Clara could carry on painting the sheds. Two hours later she came back in to do this blog and re-read the letter. And noticed that they had copied it to Baggy's GP. Bearing in mind that Baggy has received the date for her first counselling session at the GP's surgery (through the same referral system), this put Hormonal Hannah into a meltdown (again). Does "(we) have discharged you" mean that Baggy has lost this counselling as well? Counselling that she clearly needs! Clever Bird leapt on the phone, but of course it was 5.45pm so no one was there. Baggy is now stressed to hell because she can't stop Freda Fretter worrying that Clever Bird has mucked this up too.

Thanks a lot people who are supposed to be helping and what a waste of time and money, leaping so quickly to wrong conclusions and stressing out the people you are supposed to be helping to de-stress! Baggy is pretty low on these scores, but Clever Bird cannot believe that Baggy is the only one to ever make that mistake. Clever Bird cannot understand how a service that is so good in one way, can be so poor in another. And breathe..........

Just when Baggy thinks she is besting Hormonal Hannah it all goes pear-shaped......

People who are sent on the Stress Management Course that Baggy was referred to a few weeks ago, are suffering from anxiety, depression, or often (as in Baggy's case) both. They are likely to have other issues as well, for example, they may well have O.C.D. (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), which Baggy doesn't believe that she has. But they have issues - probably quite a lot of them! When she was booked onto the course, the counsellor who spoke to her said that, "It's a four-week course, the first of which is on Wednesday 6th July". So Baggy explained that she wouldn't be able to the last Wednesday, as she was taking Grotty Groom on holiday and the Wednesday was the last day of the three-day break. The counsellor said that that wouldn't be a problem, as long as she did the first three, she could have the booklet for the last session. Okay fine. She put the three seeions in her diary for the Wednesday's at 2.00pm. So as bloggees who read Clara's blog will know, Baggy went to her first session last Wednesday. When she "enrolled" she explained that she would not be able to attend the last session as she was on holiday, and the Wednesday was the last day. "No problem, we can let you have the booklet and if you wish to do the session, you can come on a later course". This made Freda Fretter relax. Although Hormonal Hannah then gave her a meltdown during the presentation.

On Monday Clever Bird got a text message reminding her that she had her second session in Stowmarket on July 12th. Since her first session, Baggy has been able to manage Freda and Hannah considerably better, so she was almost looking forward to her second session; nervously, and with considerable anxiety about unravelling again, but optimistic that it would help even more. So she set off on the forty-five (plus) minute drive feeling positive. She parked the car with Clever Bird thinking how busy it was, then took Hormonal Hannah for her "flight" visit to the loo. As she passed the presentation room, she wondered why the door was closed. Clever Bird had already decided that she would act on the first session and make Hannah face a real fear and sit in the middle of a row - not at the seat she always has to have at the end of the row, by the exit door. She optimistically took Baggy from the loo to the room. The door was locked and the room was empty. As Baggy took Hannah round to reception, Clever Bird was thinking "how stupid it was to change the room for a bunch of stressed-out worriers".

"Can I help you?" asked the very pleasant receptionist. "Urmmm, yes, I'm here for the Stress Management Course", said Baggy. "Oh, that was yesterday". Cue Hormonal Hannah to provide a simultaneous hot flush and total meltdown; tears seemed to launch horizontally from the eyes in Baggy's bright red, sweaty face. "Are you joking? Why the bleeping heck didn't they say last week, 'Remember that next week's session is on Tuesday', the idiots? There's a reason why we are on this course". Blub, blub, snivvle, apologise. The poor woman didn't quite know how to react to Baggy's complete over reaction. "So what is the date today?", "It's the 13th." "Oh". "I think all the remaining sessions are on a Tuesday". "Okay, thank you, so sorry", said Baggy trying to see through her tears to get Hannah out of the poor woman's sight. "Pity they didn't put Tuesday July 12th on the text", growled Clever Bird to herself as Baggy attempted to walk to her car that she'd left five minutes earlier.

Clever Bird phoned Calum and explained while crying even more hysterically. Then she decided to call the office to explain that she hadn't deliberately missed yesterday's session. She could not stop crying, but that lady was clearly used to dealing with hysterical people, because she was very caring and understanding and is going to arrange for Baggy to take Hannah to the next course in a few weeks time instead. However, this just made bloody Hannah even worse. She sat in the car park trying to stop panic shallow breathing. Blew Baggy's nose. Put on her sunglasses and set off back home. Then she re-dialled Calum and started crying again! Seriously, what is wrong with the woman? It was a stupid mistake (admittedly compounded by the organisers), but not exactly the end of the world, but for the next twenty minutes or so, it felt like it. Baggy obviously needs more help than Clever Bird realised. Calum suggested stopping for a cappuccino on the way home. Amazingly, Baggy managed this, without the chocolate or side order of cake. Baggy is now trying to get Creative Clara to cheer her up by laughing about it, while the Hinge cat gives her a cuddle. And breathe..........

Feeling chuffed.

In her new positive, get-up-and-go frame of mind, Baggy got up early and Furry Mama took Minty out for a good walk. Quick bacon and egg butty rustled up by The Domestic Goddess to fuel Baggy so that Grotty Groom had some energy, then off to the yard. As Baggy walked towards the stable Clever Bird realised that there was no sign of Wessles, so he was almost certainly asleep. He was, Bless him.

Grotty decided to leave him to it while she got his tack and her riding boots etc organised. The moment he realised that she wasn't going to get him up, he relaxed totally!

So as Clever Bird had got Grotty there early, Baggy decided to leave him and go for a cup of tea. By the time she reappeared he was up. Grotty groomed him, tacked him up and tried to convince him that he wanted a lesson. Just as she was mounting, it started to rain. Then promptly stopped again, but very kindly, stayed clouded over. Vicki-May, Grotty's lovely trainer, decided that today Grotty and Wesley were going to work from the get-go! Wesley immediately went into dressage diva mode again. Hormonal Hannah worried about Grotty's new boots again, having not ridden "properly" in them before, but Clever Bird soon realised how supportive they are and Hannah vanished. Wesley was going so nicely, that Creative Clara remembered to ask her friend Sarah to do a bit of videoing. She did a grand job.

Hormonal Hannah had Grotty forgetting what she was meant to be doing almost as soon as Vicki-May had told her. Grotty had also forgotten just how "long" a horse is, so there were a few moments of Wesley wondering what the heck he was supposed to be doing! But she was so proud of the Boy. He is such a willing little horse and once Grotty had sorted Hannah and Clever Bird out, he went incredibly for her. He got quite excited and a bit over-keen at times, but that's because he loves his work and is enjoying being challenged again for the first time in over four years. As is Grotty, as pushing Baggy out of her comfort zone is doing her good.

By the end of the hour, both Baggy and Wesley were absolutely exhausted and Grotty had gone from having to constantly half-halt Wessles, to having to encourage him to keep going, but three hours later, they both have large silly grins on their faces as they feel so chuffed, a whole three minutes of "proper" work. Sorry for having to share the video in three parts bloggees, but it was too big a file to upload in one go, but Grotty wanted to share it on here as it cheered Baggy up so much......

 

Within seconds of returning to the stable after the lesson, the temperature dropped and the Heavens opened; it poured down! Baggy felt Blessed........

Hormonal Hannah has lost a few fights!

Step one of stress control: Face your fears; be more active; watch what you drink. Sorry bloggees, but Baggy has been so focussed on these that she ran out of day again yesterday! The other one being to "keep busy", which definitely helps Baggy to keep Hormonal Hannah at bay. So she's combined them. One of Baggy's biggest fears over the last nine years, has been letting Grotty Groom ride her beloved Boy Wessles. A perfectly logical fear after her fall that nearly killed her, if he's being sharp, spooky and difficult, but 98% of the time he isn't - he's an extremely well-behaved, chilled out Boy who is a pleasure to ride. Difficult sometimes, but a pleasure nonetheless. But still Baggy's self-preservation "flight" instincts kick in regularly when Grotty wants to ride and she uses any excuse not to get on him. However, since Baggy's first Stress Management Course last Wednesday, Grotty had a lesson on Thursday, schooled Wessles on her own on Friday, schooled him with Calum and Joey in the positively terrifying dressage arena on Saturday, then hacked out yesterday with Cal and Joe in strong winds, wearing her brand new boots and jodphurs (which felt completely different and therefore made Hormonal Hannah panic).

Interestingly, once Grotty had ridden a few hundred yards with Hannah telling Baggy that the new boots were really hurting her (they weren't), Clever Bird had a realisation. Baggy's left leg always flaps about like a demented sparrow when Grotty rides. She just can't seem to control it - the toes, that should be pointing forward, stick out at a 45-degree angle away from Wesley. Probably because her pelvis is always "out" due to her lack of the main core muscle ( yeah thanks for that Lawrence!). Since her surgery, it's been even worse than normal. But in the new boots, when Baggy looked down, her foot was a) not flapping and b) pointing forwards! Grotty was rather chuffed and Clever Bird realised that it's because the new boots are "proper" stiff leather dressage boots, whereas the boots she's been riding in for the last nine years or so, are beautiful soft, floppy leather, that you can't really even feel and therefore provide no support to the ankle at all. Plus her "missing" muscle is finally beginning to work since her physiotherapy exercises, and Grotty has been riding Wesley instead of just sitting on him. So Grotty decided to canter Wesley up the hill. Yee-hah!

Today, after Furry Mama had taken Minty Mutt on a ninety-minute walk and The Domestic Goddess had done some major catching up, Gloria Gardener decided to water all the pots - cue the rain. So The Goddess decided to vacuum, then the sun reappeared, so Creative Clara decided that Baggy would be better out than in. As Gloria couldn't mow a wet lawn, she decided to start painting sheds instead.  To say they needed it would be an understatement - the before photo.......

Much shower-hopping went on as the weather couldn't make its mind up, so six hours later, the main shed had one coat on......

and the little shed had one coat on the front.....

As the sheds are literally slurping the paint up, Clara will need to take Baggy to buy more of it! It says to put on two or three coats, so Gloria has her work cut out! She also has another tiny shed to paint and the summer house (now re-named Baggy's woman-cave), so busy, busy, busy physical activity will keep Hannah out of the way nicely, hopefully. As the next downpour commenced, Baggy was locking the shed when Furry Mama realised that the Hinge cat had decided to be the "curious" cat......

Yep bloggees Baggy's next physical activity will be to attempt to "reclaim" the shed, by re-cluttering the house. No, of course you're right bloggees, Clever Bird might need to have a bit of a rethink - throw stuff away you say? Now let's not get carried away........

Facing fear!

Horse therapy continues for Baggy! Wessles was extremely happy to see Grotty Groom this morning and Joey was delighted to see Calum. Both Boys whickered and came over for a cuddle. Calum had decided that Grotty needed to face one of her fears though and that they would ride in the "dressage" arena. The ridiculously "spooky" arena, that last time they went in there had both horses terrified to go down to the far end of it. However, it is the arena that the dressage competitions are held in, so it would certainly be a plan to get Wesley used to it! But the mere thought of going in there gave Hormonal Hannah the perfect excuse to put Baggy into "flight"-mode. Excuse the image, but like her horse, she needed to visit the loo three times before she could get Grotty on him! Having got all her tack out and alerted Wessles to the fact that he was about to be ridden for the third day in a row, as Baggy shot off to the loo for the third time, Wesley decided that it was time to use evasion tactics. By the time she returned, Wesley was totally chilled out.

He looked so cute that Grotty decided to join him.

The itch on his leg from the fly bites was clearly annoying him, so Grotty decided to assist him. It seemed to help.

Within a few minutes, Wessles was so relaxed that he nodded off! But as he explained to Grotty, he had been out all night and had already been on the horse-walker, so he needed a rest.

Grotty decided to leave him to it for a while.

But she really wanted to ride, so he agreed to get up.

Haha - he looks like an alien Bless him. But Baggy faced her fear and took the Boy into the dressage arena. Frankly, he didn't put a hoof wrong. Grotty had a beautiful ride in full dressage-diva mode once again. Once Joey had overcome his terror of the pigeons in the bushes, he too went beautifully for Calum. Wesley and Grotty worked so hard that Clever Bird decided that they could end on a good note after about thirty minutes, and go back in. Now Wesley is not at all happy to be in his stable unless Joey is in his; he spins, calls, rears and generally loses the plot. But Grotty decided that Clever Bird was right and he needed to get over this nonsense (which has only been a problem since they moved back to this yard). He was a numpty. But only a little numpty. Calling Joey, but no spinning etc, so Grotty gave him treats, while he calmed down. Then Cal took Joey into the other arena, so Wesley could see them from his stable and he actually relaxed - just as well, as he will have to be on his own when they head to Ashen Equestrian Centre in two weeks!

Home via Long Melford - lunch and a visit to the saddlery. Lots and lots of purchases! Baggy is now sitting in brand new riding boots (which are competition legal) which are a size too small for her, but were half-price so she had to have them. The plan is that Baggy will stretch them a little for Grotty - let's hope so anyway. If Baggy's feet still have circulation in them in an hour or so, she will try riding in them tomorrow..........