What a difference a smell makes!

Saturday has become the day for Baggy, Calum and Minty Mutt to go to their other house. During the week, The Domestic Goddess had packed six crates of stuff from the bathroom, kitchen and a bit from the sitting room, these were duly loaded onto Dodgy Truck this morning, along with four giant bags of Calum and Lady Eadwynn's Norman and Saxon clothes! And a bag full of cleaning stuff for The Goddess who was going with them.

For the first time, when they opened the doors today, the house smelt lovely, rather than of old damp! The rather expensive reed-diffusers were well worth the money Creative Clara paid for them last time they were there. The three de-humidifiers are doing their jobs too. In a week, they have half-an-inch of water in each of them! Calum put the heating on today too as it was pretty chilly. Baggy was very over-excited to have central heating, as they have none at home!

After Furry Mama had taken Minty for a leg stretch, The Goddess started to clean the inside of the kitchen cupboards so that she could unpack crates and put things away. Baggy was just as excited about having so many cupboards to put things in. While she did that, Calum took off the manky looking cupboard doors and scrubbed them, before feeding them with beeswax. They are solid oak, so it was worth it. The doors he finished looked like a new kitchen! Baggy came over a bit peculiar, so they headed into Halesworth for lunch at Cal's cousins' café The Hideout. Lovely cappuccinos, lovely lunch, lovely chat. Baggy got a teeny bit wet as they were outside with Minty Mutt and a thunderstorm swept through! Although they were under a canopy, Furry Mama sat at the end where the weather was coming in - Minty went under the table. Sensible dog. The lunch gave them a second wind.

By the time they'd finished at half-five, the house was beginning to feel a little like theirs. Baggy and Calum were feeling quite excited that this will eventually be their new home.

It's amazing what difference a smell makes! Further reed-diffusers will be purchased on their next visit...........

How do you give yourself permission to truly feel suppressed emotions?

Firstly Clever Bird would like to thank Baggy's lovely bloggees for your support! Creative Clara's blog of yesterday, "Ashamed" has been read by more people than any of her previous blogs and the messages of support that Baggy has received have been heart warming. Part of Baggy's problem of facing her issues, is that Clever Bird will intellectualise everything. In her counselling sessions she flips into a kind of third-party analysis of the influences that have affected her life. She beats the counsellor to identifying the issues and their harmful causal effects. By doing this, she can actually prevent Baggy from truly facing those issues - she prevents her from "feeling" them, and therefore she isn't actually accepting them as being anything to do with her. It almost becomes an academic exercise on Clever Bird's behalf. Then the instant that Baggy starts to "hurt", Hormonal Hannah shuts her down and stops her from "feeling". Baggy's favourite word in these sessions is "sorry", chucked in every time she cries. If she carries on blubbing, Psychic Ploppo steps in and literally switches her off; Baggy's brain stops functioning totally and she can think of nothing at all! Apparently, as safety-mechanisms go, this is an impressive one, but Baggy has no control over it and it is getting a little over used in her sessions. It probably was what she did from childhood and explains why she cannot remember anything of her childhood at all from nine or ten years old, back. And very little from when she was older. But that makes it kind of hard to accept and relive those emotions!

But one thing that has become obvious to Clever bird is that she has never been "allowed" to show those emotions. Even when her Mama left when she was eight, she was told "don't be upset", "don't cry". She was accused by her Step-Mother of shedding "crocodile tears" at her Grandma's funeral! Her real Mum, while dying from pancreatic cancer told Baggy not to cry and when she couldn't not, got cross with her. So suppressing her emotions has been the norm for Baggy for her whole life. Don't misunderstand bloggees, Baggy is ridiculously emotional, she'll cry if she sees someone else crying, even on telly and even if she has no idea why they're crying. She cried like a waterfall when her Mama died and when she found her Dad. But for some reason she cannot let herself feel the eight-year-old Baggy's pain. It is just too scary. But today while talking to Calum she realised that there's also anger in there. Clever Bird is wondering if actually it's the anger that Baggy's scared about. She doesn't want to have to face the fact that maybe she has a right to be angry at her parents, who she loved dearly.

As for the shame that she feels admitting she needs help - again Clever Bird realises it's because she still needs her parents' approval, and they wouldn't approve. Bit of a Catch 22 really one way and another. But the fact that Clever Bird has even recognised any of this has to be a positive...........

Ashamed.

Baggy lives in the country of the "stiff upper lip". The British way is to suppress emotions. Counselling - really? What's wrong with you? Just get on with it. Snap out of it. Don't live in the past. Clever Bird gets the impression that if Baggy lived in the USA things would be different. It may just be the reality programmes that she watches, but it seems that your weird over there if you haven't had counselling - or rather, therapy, as it's called. One goes to therapy for the health of one's mind in the same way as one goes to the gym, for the health of one's body. It's nothing to be ashamed of. So why is it so "shameful" over here to admit that actually, you need some help? But it is. There's a terrible stigma still attached to mental health issues over here. Clever Bird is the first to admit that Baggy is slightly ashamed of herself for seeking help. She still feels as though she doesn't warrant it. But that is all part of the problem - she recognises that a great deal of the damage caused to her mental health is because she doesn't think she deserves anything! Yep, she's sharing to the entire world that she is getting help, but that's because she hopes it might help somebody else to face their own need, and not to be ashamed of admitting it. Why should anyone be ashamed of admitting they need help? Or of telling people that they are depressed and on medication to help? It is nothing to be ashamed of.

In fact if you think it is, then perhaps you should be ashamed of yourself. Things that people should be ashamed of: being judgmental; being unkind; being cruel; making others feel ashamed. There is so much to genuinely be ashamed of in this world - being depressed is so not one of them! And making someone feel as though it is, is frankly just nasty. But that's exactly what Baggy's Step-Mother did to Baggy for years. And you can see it in some people's eyes, if you admit it to them. "Why are you talking about it? Aren't you embarrassed? You should be ashamed of being so weak". No actually, quite the opposite. To admit to a weakness is a strength. To recognise a problem and to try to sort it out, is a strength. To admit that you need help is a strength. To not feel ashamed about it - okay that's not so easy, but Baggy's trying.

So having survived this morning's counselling session, Baggy needed fresh air. Furry Mama obliged. She decided to take Minty Mutt on Baggy's favourite walk through the water meadows. But there were cows in the way. "No problem", thought Clever Bird, "they're all lying down apart from one". Furry Mama set off, with Minty Mutt at heel. The cow watched them and munched grass. Then it decided to come over. Right over! It sniffed Mint's nose. Freda Fretter froze. What to do? Minty seemed quite content that this giant "dog" was saying "hello", Furry Mama wasn't so sure, especially when it started towards Baggy. "Okay Mint, let's get out of here". "Really Mum? But I've got a new friend". The cow snorted. Freda panicked. "Mint, let's go". As they turned round, the cow tried to sniff Mint's bottom. "Mint, MOVE!" "But Mum, she's nice". "Mint she could kill us!" said Freda Fretter in a strangled voice. Baggy's heart rate had doubled, and she couldn't decide whether to run, or saunter. In the end she had no choice as Minty was sauntering. The cow followed with her nose on Mint's back.  They made it to the other side of the kissing gate safely - just. Well done Clever Bird. The detour added twenty-minutes to the forty-five minute walk, but at least they lived. Minty didn't know what all the fuss was about; Baggy was terrified.........

Drugs are good for Baggy apparently!

Day two of full tablet of anti-depressant. So far so good. Furry Mama is once again looking after Jack-the-attack-cat who lives next door. He is being extremely affectionate and purry - clearly he is lulling Baggy into a false sense of security and will pounce at some point! But Furry Mama rather likes cute Jack. He headed out early, as Baggy had her re-appointment at the dentist at silly-o-clock this morning.

Baggy was home again by 9.00am and Furry Mama decided to take Minty Mutt out before it got warm. He decided that it was high time that they did the Dormouse sanctuary walk - quite a long one, through Ager Fen. It's been an absolutely stunning day in little old Suffolk, Baggy enjoyed the walk in her newly spaced-out way. Everything seemed to be in sharper focus somehow and Creative Clara ended up walking along singing to herself.

Minty Mutt seemed to be doing a bit of singing of his own. He's always happy if he can paddle. By the time they got home Clever Bird realised that they had been walking for over an hour-and-a-half! Perhaps not the best plan when Grotty Groom had decided to do the Boys today and had a riding lesson as well!

By the time she'd mucked out and brought the Boys in, she needed tea. It was HOT! The weather that is, not the tea - well both actually, but you get the gist. When her trainer turned up, Grotty was raring to go (in a melty kind of way), even Wesley seemed keen. Now Vicky-May knows Baggy well and in her other job, is a medical sales rep. so she knows all about anti-depressants. She noticed the difference in Baggy as soon as Grotty finished tacking Wesley up. Usually, Baggy is a nervous gibbering wreck before a lesson! Today she sauntered into the manege and hopped on.

"On a scale of one to ten, how nervous are you usually before a lesson?" "Oooooo, an eight or nine", said Grotty. "And today?" "Oh, a two or one!" "Yes and it shows!" said Vicki-May. Wesley agreed, he was as laid back as Grotty as they wandered around the arena to warm up. He didn't seem too fussed about going into a trot, so needed a little encouragement. Then a couple of horses were brought in, past the manege and he got a little interested. Another horse went out on a hack. A man turned up just above the manege. A horse was taken past to the horse-walker. A trailer turned up with a horse on it. And so it went on, with Wesley getting a little livelier with each thing. Baggy remained chilled.

Vicki-May put some poles out; Wesley got excited. And strong. A new horse joined them in the manege to be lunged. Wesley liked the look of her. And got stronger. Baggy stayed chilled. Grotty now really had to ride Wesley who was getting very forward-going and distracted by every little thing. Apart from the fact that Baggy was by now unable to breathe properly, she was grinning her little head off. He might have been keen, but Wesley went beautifully. Grotty was very proud of him.

On the phone on the way home, Clever Bird asked Calum whether he'd seen a difference in Baggy since she's been on the happy pills. He said that he had. "Even though you still get anxious about things, you're nowhere near as nervous about everything as you were before". That was an eye-opener. Clever Bird was well aware that Baggy got anxious and worried about things and she knew Grotty got nervous about riding, what she hadn't realised was that she was nervous (or seemed it to others) about almost everything. But thinking about it, that constant feeling of worry/threat/anxiousness/fear/nervousness, that Baggy has lived with for a very long time now, seems to have pootled off somewhere. Perhaps refusing the anti-depressants whenever they've been offered in the past, because Baggy didn't believe she was depressed (a word bandied about a little too much in Clever Bird's opinion), was a big mistake. Baggy cannot remember the last time that she felt this "normal". In fact she's not sure that she's ever felt this normal before! Long may it last.........

Where does time go?

Not quite sure what happened to yesterday bloggees. It went! The Domestic Goddess was helping Baggy to do a bit of de-cluttering and somewhere along the way, Creative Clara missed the day! Today too has vanished. Wesley had his three-monthly check by his physiotherapist this morning. Last time he was checked he was slightly "lame" and needed a fair amount of treatment. Not today! Grotty Groom is delighted to report that he was pretty much perfect - well as perfect as Wesley gets anyway! Although he's not doing a huge amount of work at the moment, what he is doing in his lessons with Grotty and her trainer, is clearly helping him hold himself properly. Their next lesson is tomorrow afternoon. That will be interesting. Baggy is today on the full dose of anti-depressant for the first time. How can Creative Clara put this? She's a little blurred around the edges. Best hope that Wesley isn't in the sports-car, go-faster mood that he was in for their last lesson two weeks ago. Mind you at least Baggy should be relaxed if Grotty gets nervous.

As she was there and the Boys hadn't been mucked out, Grotty decided to do it herself. Baggy was fine until Grotty tried to empty the giant wheelbarrow. She couldn't do it for love nor money. Creative Clara wondered what the other liveries would think when they saw the upended, but still full, wheelbarrow by the muck heap. The Ghost of Grotty?

Home for Furry Mama to walk Minty Mutt. Clever Bird glanced at the grey overcast sky as they set off and ignored its clear intentions. The sky obliged Baggy by emptying itself a bit, just as Furry Mama got to the furthest point of the walk. Clever Bird's insistence that Baggy wouldn't need her posh pack-a-mac rang in Baggy's slightly soggy ears. But at least it was warm drizzle and it stopped almost as soon as it had started.

Quick healthy lunch, then Baggy had to head out again, this time to the Beauty Parlour. While there she picked up her favourite friend from her childhood - he is not only fixed, he's lost some weight too. He's been with Baggy since she was two years old and she still loves him, so is very happy that he's no longer full of holes! Mini-Baggy was happy to see him home and well.

The Domestic Goddess has just made a healthy spaghetti bolognaise for Baggy. Clever Bird was looking at it wondering what she'd forgotten - that would be the tomato puree then. Some things never change. All sorted now. Meanwhile the Hinge cat decided to investigate Baggy's bag. Think she gets it from Clever Bird?.......

Scary stuff.

Sorry for missing a blog bloggees, but to say that Baggy over did it yesterday, doesn't begin to cover it! Baggy, Calum and Minty Mutt headed over to their other house yesterday, with a view to getting on with their plan! What plan you ask? Well, the one that's been hatching for a while now and that Creative Clara has eluded to a few times. She hasn't actually announced it before a) because Baggy keeps changing her mind and b) because it's a bit of a scary plan. But the plan (for now at least), is to move to the other house! Yes, see - scary! But it makes a lot of sense in lots of ways. For a start, it's a bigger house, with more room for Baggy and Calum's ridiculous amounts of stuff. But it's scary, mainly because it's a new start. But it's still in lovely Suffolk, where both Calum and Baggy grew up, so they both know the area well. But it's that bit too far (an hour-and-quarter away), to be able to leave the horses where they are, so it's a big deal. It's also a big deal because it was Baggy's Dad's and Step-Mum's house (although Baggy never lived there), so it has some dubious memories for Baggy. But, Hormonal Hannah's counselling has helped Baggy to get so much in perspective (for the first time since she was a child), that Clever Bird is pretty sure that she'll be fine. So it's all rather scary, but exciting!

The second part of the plan is to turn their current house into a holiday cottage. Told you Creative Clara had a business plan! It might not happen, as it's quite a big investment, plus there's all kinds of legal stuff to sort out, but it's a germ of an idea at the moment. And it will give Clara a project and another business to run (aside from her tweeny-weeny Etsy shop). But there's so much to sort out. The other house needs a new roof. There is still no start date for this work, but they can't even think about moving in until it's done. So in the meantime, the plan is to gradually start to move things over there and to get the garden in some sort of order and maybe paint the outside of the house!

Yesterday, they were up and retrieving crates from the shed, to take to the other house by 8.00am; crates that Baggy packed three years ago when she tried to de-clutter this house to sell it! Having loaded Cal's Dodge pick-up truck, they set off. At the other end, they unloaded it all, then started to tackle the "little" border by the garage! Over four hours later, Gloria Gardener and Calum had literally filled the Dodge with chopped down bushes, one of which was about fifteen feet high and growing under the garage roof tiles. Calum jumped on the chopped off greenery to flatten it, but it was still a large mound! In the jungle they discovered a water butt that was completely hidden, and exposed an old brick wall. By the time they'd finished, the drive was five feet wider!

A quick dash into lovely Halesworth to buy dehumidifiers to try to help with the damp (from the leaking roof), plus a couple of reed-diffusers to try to help the damp pong, then up to the graveyard on the way back. Flowers for Baggy's Step-Mum and Dad were arranged (badly) by Creative Clara. But for the first time, not one tear was shed! In fact Baggy was chatting to her Dad and Mum and remembering nice things for the first time since her Step-Mum died! It's amazing how far the counselling has brought Baggy and the anti-depressants are definitely helping too. Although Calum has taken to calling Baggy his "little space monkey", she is not quite as spaced out on them as she was. Mind you, tomorrow, she is supposed to double the dose!

Back to the house to set up the dehumidifiers and diffusers, then to Calum's Mum's grave, for more flower arranging. By the time they got home (via the chippy - needs must and there was no way that The Domestic Goddess was cooking), it was 8.30pm. The fish and chips didn't hit the sides. Neither did Minty Mutt's sausage that Furry Mama insisted Calum bought him.

This morning, Cal was up and about and showered by 8.30am. Baggy was not! Cal came back to bed to persuade Baggy to get up, and promptly fell back to sleep, as did Baggy. They re-emerged at 11.00am! Yep, yesterday was really hard work! They decided to go and check whether the tip was open. It was! It took over thirty minutes to try to unload the green waste into the bin. It was so well compacted into Dodgy-truck, that it wouldn't come off. At one point, Calum was disguised as a huge bush, as he carried a stupid amount up the steps to the bin, until it got stuck on the hand-rail. Creative Clara was desperate to take a photo of him, but Clever Bird realised that Cal might have a bit of a sense of humour failure if she did, rather than getting Baggy to at least try to help him.

Calum and Grotty Groom then headed to the yard to see the Boys for the first time since last Sunday. After much grooming, in spite of the dressage competition going on, they decided to go for a hack. It was lovely. Grotty so prefers autumn. Wesley barely head-shook once, so he had a much nicer ride, as did Grotty. They even did a canter up the avenue! Yee-hah.........

Time to focus.

Clever Bird has decided that it's high time that Hormonal Hannah stopped putting the kybosh on Baggy's weight loss. She has spent months and months yo-yoing up and down by a few pounds each week. Silly! Last week she put on three-and-a-half pounds, this week she lost two-and-a-half. Which actually is good considering Victoria sponge (amongst other naughty things), has been consumed this week. But she could have reached her target-weight months ago, if she just kept on the plan, rather than letting Hannah persuade her to comfort eat for the littlest excuse. In theory, she could easily hit her target in two weeks time. Yes bloggees, we will see!

Burning off extra calories helping The Domestic Goddess to deep-clean is helpful. Now the bathroom is (almost) done, she needs to start on the kitchen. That will require some major de-cluttering first. Just as well Clever Bird bought lots of crates. Yes, she is very aware that a better step than just sticking everything in the crates, would be to get rid of it. Especially all the things that haven't seen the light of day for years. But this is Baggy after all, and that would be pushing Hormonal Hannah just too far at the moment! So she's letting her take little steps.

As Minty Mutt didn't get his walk yesterday because Furry Mama was a little too spaced out, she headed straight out after Fat Club.

 

It's a gorgeous day. Autumn has arrived in little Suffolk. If one believes the country sayings, it's going to be a hard winter if there are lots of berries.

 



While Creative Clara admired nature, Minty Mutt sniffed nature - or whatever it is he sniffs.

He missed the stunning fox that suddenly spotted Baggy and looked up, then ran off through the trees. The fox had been drinking at a little pond. It was really rather warm and Clever Bird had left Minty's water at home, so Furry Mama suggested he went and got himself a drink; she should have known better!

 

Freda Fretter immediately regretted the decision when instead of just getting a drink, Minty shot straight in. It seemed quite deep. Freda had visions of Baggy needing to rescue the mutt. But then Clever Bird realised that it wasn't terribly deep, but it was gloopy mud underneath and he was sinking in it. Freda then had visions of him getting stuck. He was absolutely fine - of course! It is a lovely day to be alive.........