Home is where the heart is.

Talk about a turnaround! A few weeks ago, if Calum even mentioned moving house to Baggy, Hormonal Hannah literally put her into a nervous, gibbering, anxious meltdown. There's no other word for it - Baggy literally shook and couldn't breathe properly, her heart raced and she totally panicked. Today, Baggy is sitting at home admiring The Domestic Goddess's latest efforts to get the house into "holiday home" mode, and Clever Bird realises that that is exactly what it's beginning to feel like! It no longer feels like home. Clever Bird was wondering why, and realised it's simple really, it's that old expression, "Home is where the heart is". And Baggy's heart is entirely with her furries! So wherever they are, is home.

Every weekend Baggy and Calum have been whizzing over to and staying at the other house and of course, Minty Mutt comes too. So, as he's away all week, she's only really seeing her number one furry, Calum, at the other house. Minty Mutt is much more relaxed there too. The only furries who haven't been to the new house yet are the girls, and Furry Mama won't move Hinge and Bracket until everyone moves "officially". Although the biggest furries, Wesley and Joey don't live at home, the fact that Grotty Groom has found them their potential new home too, and it's so much closer to the house than they are now, makes everything seem sorted! So, although they're not actually living there yet, Baggy feels as though the new house is now her home. To say this is amazing, well it just isn't adequate, not only to be moving home, but to be moving to a house that has more bad memories than good ones makes Clever Bird realise just how far Baggy has come in the last few months. She really is a new, improved Baggy!

Those people fortunate enough to be "homeowners" always say that they own their house. They really don't though! They're just care-taking it for the next people. Both Baggy's houses are hundreds of years old, dozens of people have lived and died in them. Baggy, Calum and the furries certainly won't be the last. What is theirs, is each other and their "things"; ornaments, clothes, furniture, jewellery, rugs and so on, although even these may well go on to be loved by others. In fact that's why Creative Clara opened her little Etsy shop, Realuv, to give vintage items a chance to be loved again! But Baggy is so lucky, she could live in a field in a tent as long as she had her furries close by.

Clever Bird has decided that moving in day will be at the beginning of December, after Calum and Grotty have had another three day holiday at Ashen Equestrian Centre with Wessles and Joey. She is so excited to have so much to look forward to. Her new maxim, is to enjoy every moment as they're all special (good and bad), and to follow her number one furry's philosophy. "Live, love, laugh"........

Menopause brain.

Hormonal Hannah's latest antics:

Baggy went to the bank to try to sort out the ever increasing overdraft. Hormonal Hannah made her forget she needed some cash when the nice lady asked whether she needed anything else. She forgot again and had crossed the road and reached her car when she remembered. Baggy went back to the cash point - asked it for £30. It responded, "Sorry this service is temporarily unavailable" and squirted her card out. Oh. Baggy went inside. "Can I help you?" asked another nice lady. "Yes, I just need some cash, but the machine isn't playing". "Oh, I'm sorry. It was working earlier. I'll go and check it, but you can use this one". Baggy put her card in, this one too responded, "Sorry this service is temporarily unavailable" and squirted her card out. Oh. The lady came back in, Baggy told her what had happened. "Perhaps I'll try my card". "Good idea, it might be my card", said Baggy. The lady took her card from Baggy. "Ah, it expired at the end of October. Have you had a new one?" "I think so, but it's not in my purse. I do vaguely remember signing one." Baggy thought about it. Hormonal Hannah started to cringe. "Actually, I also remember cutting up the old one that was sitting on the coffee table and throwing it aw.......... OH!" Hormonal Hannah ran from the bank. "It's okay", said the polite lady to Baggy, "it happens to us all. I'll order you a replacement, replacement-card now". Card ordered, Baggy left the bank. A minute later, she was swearing at Hannah, re-entering the bank to get £30 from the cashier.

Furry Mama walked Minty Mutt. As they toddled through the rain, Creative Clara watched the sheep in the field. One had a little harness on. Clever Bird realised that it was the ram, with his pot of blue dye strapped to his chest to mark the "wives" that he had had his wicked way with. She noticed that quite a few of the ewes had blue marks on their backs. Clever Bird noticed that rather a lot of them had the blue dye at the wrong end as it were - on their head or neck! Poor girls, clearly it was an inexperienced or over enthusiastic ram. Clara thought she might take some photos. Then Clever Bird noticed one ewe lying by the gate with her legs stretched out. Minty Mutt noticed her too and stuck his nose through the gate to sniff her. She didn't move. Freda Fretter started to panic. Furry Mama walked over and felt the ewe. She didn't move and didn't seem to be breathing. Before Baggy could stop her, Furry Mama leant right through to feel her stomach. Nothing. Hormonal Hannah went into a meltdown. The poor girl was either dead, or not far from it. Clever Bird tried to find the landowner, even though she knew that the sheep belonged to someone else, but there was no one at home. Hannah made Furry Mama sob her way round the next ten minutes of their walk - just as well it was raining, to hide her tears.

Grotty Groom took her waterproof, thermal, riding over-trousers to a seamstress a few weeks ago, to have them repaired, after they were made part of a wasp's nest. It cost quite a bit, but they are good trousers. Furry Mama decided to borrow them to walk Minty Mutt as it's so wet today. Furry Mama dug them out of the bag that they were still in, from the seamstress. She put them on and did the zip up. The trousers proceeded to fall over Baggy's hips. Hormonal Hannah giggled nervously. Clever Bird swore at her - Hannah had made Grotty totally forget that the trousers are an "XL" and Baggy is more of an "M" these days. Clever Bird went off and found a belt..........

Moving on.

Creative Clara has been getting as stressed as Freda Fretter, as she hasn't been able to get onto her computer since Friday. Apologies bloggees, but Baggy is fine. In fact she's good, but hurtling about once again. She's been at the other house since Saturday morning and only got back to this house this morning. Things are moving forward pretty quickly really, even if it doesn't feel like that. Clever Bird pointed out that it's possible to see the progress easily by taking a quick glance at the ever increasing sum of money in the current account - with a big D next to it! Ah well, the leaking roof is slowly being sorted, and at least the heating works now, so the damp in the other house is beginning to dry out a little. So what's been happening?

Well Furry Mama has been checking out her soon-to-be new walks with Minty Mutt. Once again she's very lucky to be moving to somewhere that is straight onto little tracks and countryside. Minty is taking "marking" every route and key turn extremely seriously. It's important that the local dogs are well aware that there's a new boy in town.

It's certainly a popular dog-walking route! Furry Mama has already had Baggy speaking to lots of the locals!

The littlest of the roofs is now nearly finished as well. No wonder it was leaking, seventy pantiles have to be replaced!

Half the main roof will be tackled starting this week. Meanwhile on Saturday, three friends turned up to help. Calum put Baggy in charge of operations. Once Hormonal Hannah had got over the stress of having to direct four people to make the best use of their time and kindness, Clever Bird took over and made them work their little socks off! Because of all the help, things that would have taken Baggy and Calum a day to do, were completed in a couple of hours, so everyone retired to the pub!

On Sunday Freda Fretter couldn't take Grotty Groom wittering at her any longer, "Where will the Boys live?" So Calum, she and their friend Dan headed off in Billy Bob to suss out possible livery yards for Wesley and Joey. There is one particular one that had been recommended to Grotty, that she and Calum had tried to find twice previously - and failed. It took some doing, as the place is literally in the middle of nowhere, but eventually they found it. Grotty hopped out (in her expensive riding jacket) to speak to someone about making an appointment to view the yard. Why has she mentioned the riding jacket? Well because we live in a sad world (especially the horsey world), where people are very quick to judge! An instant assessment is made, based purely on looks - do we want this person on our yard? Will they fit in? Can they afford to be here? Are they going to dump their horses on us? Will they pay their bills? etc etc etc. Having let Calum hop out of Billy Bob to ask a horse rider directions half-an-hour earlier, Clever Bird realised Grotty's mistake! The look of alarm as a big, tattooed, long-haired bloke, with a bright purple beard, walked over to the girl, was interesting to say the least. It reminded Baggy of the time when she and Calum had been choosing her engagement ring. They were looking in a jewellery shop window at the diamond rings, when a woman in the shop saw Calum, then proceeded to sidle across to the door, which she promptly locked! Baggy was mortified. Calum said he was used to it! Clever Bird has regretted ever since, that she did not get Baggy to go back later that day and do a Pretty Woman and show the snooty, judgemental woman, the sale she had lost! But Clara digresses.

Grotty asked if she could make an appointment to see the yard as they were moving to the area and would need to move their horses from Boyton Hall next year. The lovely lady who manages the yard was happy to show Grotty round then and there. So Calum and Dan hopped out and there was no freaking out at the muppet biker! The yard is perfect. Indoor and outdoor schools. Miles of tracks. Dressage shows and clinics and only ten minutes drive from the house. But not too many horses as it's not a huge yard. They must have been there chatting and looking round for a good hour. Grotty is actually quite excited. Even one of the local riding clubs meets there once a month, so Grotty can join it. Plus they have a morning of coffee, cakes and horses!!! Grotty and Baggy couldn't believe their luck. One less thing for Freda to worry about.

On Sunday night, Dan headed home and shortly afterwards, so did Calum, leaving Baggy and Minty on their own for the first time. Baggy had to stay, as the heating was being fixed on Monday, after it not getting finished last week. Hormonal Hannah was rather worried about Baggy spending the night on her own, as she wasn't sure how she'd feel. But Minty stuck with her and they felt quite cosy. As it took literally all day to sort out the heating, she ended up spending last night there as well.  So with two of her biggest (by far) concerns about moving resolved (1 - is there anywhere good for the horses? and 2 - would Baggy be okay in her Dad's house?), Baggy is now really looking forward to moving...........

You can lead a cat to condensed milk, but you can't make her drink.

Another Friday. Another Fat Club. Another fail! Clever Bird is currently having a proper pop at Hormonal Hannah and Freda Fretter for sending Baggy off track last week. She's being a little harsh though. Baggy didn't put any weight on, she just didn't lose the one pound she needs to lose to get her shiny sticker saying she's got to her target weight. It's a shame really, as the Slimming World eating plan is very simple to stick to, but the mini meltdown that Hannah gave Baggy last Saturday persuaded her she needed alcohol (lots of it) and comfort food (sticky toffee pudding, amongst other things). And lovely as they were, she really didn't need them. So, this week, she is determined! The Domestic Goddess rustled up a jacket potato for lunch and then set about burning off some more calories, packing yet more crates!

It's got to the stage now where both houses look as though someone's moving out. The Goddess is packing things that haven't seen the light of day for eight years! Freda Fretter is making Furry Mama worry for the furries because they know something's up, but obviously the don't know what. Minty Mutt is rather stressed and getting a bit clingy, but is okay as long as he stays with his Mum and Dad. Hinge and Bracket keep head-butting the crates. Furry Mama is particularly worried about The Hinge though, as she's showing signs of getting constipated again. A kind lady at Fat Club, suggested trying condensed milk with some warm water, as it worked for her pedigree cat. The Goddess bought some condensed milk on the way home. She mixed it with warm water and presented it to Hinge. She turned her little nose up at it and meowed pitifully. No way was she falling for that trick. Minty Mutt was head-butting Furry Mama optimistically. Bracket arrived and ate the lot..........

One year on!

Today, literally one year on from Baggy's Lawrence-the-durmoid-cyst surgery, Baggy attended her final counselling session. Psychic Ploppo felt it was apposite that it was the first anniversary of her surgery. What a twelve months it's been. Cubital tunnel surgery on Baggy's left arm on November 10th 2014. Full abdominal hysterectomy, bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy and omental biopsy on November 4th 2015. December 3rd 2015, Cubital tunnel surgery on Baggy's right arm. December 30th 2015, Baggy's Step-Mother died. February 2016, Baggy's mental health began to deteriorate quite rapidly. By March 2016 the gang, even (or perhaps especially) Grotty Groom was really anxious and miserable and didn't want to leave the house. By June 2016, Baggy had totally lost her confidence and was having total meltdowns over the smallest things. Thanks to the support she received from this blog, Clever Bird got Baggy to see a doctor. She was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. She attended the Stress Management course, which for silly reasons ended up causing her more stress and extra meltdowns. By July 2016 she'd reached a very dark place and (although Clever Bird made Creative Clara play it down a lot in her blog), she was wondering if it might be easier if she wasn't around. Fortunately Baggy started counselling. It was hard - very hard. Possibly one of the hardest things Baggy's done, but it started to help. In August again thanks to support from bloggees, Baggy put Hormonal Hannah on HRT, which helped a little. Then in September, Baggy's counsellor suggested that she revisited the option of taking anti-depressants. A very relieved doctor (who could clearly see the state Baggy was in, even if she couldn't), happily prescribed them.

So today, a year on from Baggy's life sans Lawrence, she is finally in a really good place. She is allowing herself to "feel" properly. Clever Bird now knows that it's okay to be sad, but it's even more okay to be happy. For the first time in her life, she is planning ahead. For the first time in her life, she is looking forward to Christmas. Not that she hasn't had some lovely Christmases in the past, she has, with her Dad, with her sister and her family and certainly with her Number One furry, Calum, but she's never looked forward to it. Too many memories of unhappy Christmases. Of Christmas Day in Suffolk with her Dad, then Boxing Day driving all the way to Yorkshire with her Mama to spend it with her maternal grandparents. Of trying not to mention her Dad to her Mama, or her Mama to her Dad, to the extent of pretending that she hadn't had a good time with either. Truthfully, it wasn't a difficult pretence, as young Baggy found it almost impossible to cope with the contrast in those two days and the strain of not upsetting anyone. But today, as Baggy left her final counselling session she saw a sparkly Santa looking at her from a shop window and shot in and bought him. Baggy is really excited to be spending Christmas in their new home. Last year she didn't even bother to put the decorations up. Okay, yes, well spotted bloggees, she would seriously have struggled to put them up last year, but she didn't even want to try. This year on the other hand, chances are there might be a dancing reindeer added to the mix at some point!!

If there's one thing that Baggy has realised in the last few months, it's that it's important to realise when you need help. Depression is much more common than Clever Bird had realised and it really is not something to be ashamed of (despite what she believed for so long, thanks to her Step-Mother). It also comes in many forms. Even "mild" depression, as Baggy was diagnosed with, does not feel "mild" to the sufferer. It is all-consuming, very scary and starts to totally take over your life. But even though there were many days when Baggy did not even want to get out of bed, Clever Bird still didn't think that she was suffering with depression, which is one of the reasons why it took her so long to get help. But getting help was not only the right thing to do, it was the best thing she's done. Now she can allow herself to enjoy her life and not to feel guilty about how fortunate she is! Clever Bird's tip for the day - if you think that you could do with some support, get it, after all, what do you have to lose? Christmas is a coming..........

Grotty Groom rides again.

It's been a while - two weeks in fact - since Grotty Groom has ridden The Boy Wessles. Hormonal Hannah is still doing something with Baggy's head, that's preventing her from taking Grotty to the yard. Today was only the second time that she's been since her last lesson. But having a lesson booked means that Grotty has to put her big girl's pants on and get on with it. Baggy felt pretty down when she woke up this morning, and extremely nervy, and panicky. She felt a bit better when she'd had her happy pill, but she was still anxious. Hannah tried to make her cancel her lesson, but Clever Bird convinced her not to. To keep her distracted she also set The Domestic Goddess into action, packing more stuff for Calum to take to the other house tonight and doing some cleaning.

On the way to the yard, Baggy was getting more and more panicky, but as soon as Grotty saw her Boys, she realised how much she'd missed them and Baggy soon began to relax. They were just interested in munching their hay! Wessles gave Grotty a few head butts and a cuddle, then carried on munching while she groomed him and re-plaited his mane. He hasn't been ridden for two weeks and it was really cold, just 3 deg. Cent., so he was rather frisky. Not to mention that the yard was like Piccadilly Circus with things going on left, right and centre. But after warming up, he went into some beautiful trot work and once again Clever Bird couldn't understand what is preventing Baggy from seeing the Boys more.

As Vicky-May set out poles, Wessles watched her and started to get excited. That horse loves to work. He was still relaxed, but he started to get quite strong. A weird little quad-bike type thingy, with some kind of cage went past, Wessles freaked slightly. Grotty took him through the pole exercise. He did it quite well. The quad-bike thingy reappeared. They did the pole exercise again. He shot through with Grotty trying to halt him. And failing. The quad-bike thingy headed back. Wesley started to get skittish. Grotty got him to concentrate and he went into dressage diva mode and did the poles beautifully. Next time she turned him towards the poles he anticipated and shot forwards. Lots of circling ensued. Again with the quad-bike! But he was being a poppet, and excited very keen poppet, but a poppet nonetheless. Then suddenly he shot sideways across the arena in a flat-out gallop, straight towards a jump - Grotty pulled him up, eventually, without going over the jump. He'd freaked out at a person walking up the yard!!!! Back to concentrating. Back to some very good work, once Baggy's heart rate had returned to something resembling normal. He might be "quirky" but boy oh boy does Grotty love that horse..........

Tired.

After yesterday's nonsense, Hormonal Hannah seems to have been a little better behaved today, although she's had Baggy yawning her little head off for most of it. Clever Bird thinks it's in large part due to the change in the weather - autumn may have finally arrived in little Suffolk, it is now cold. As a result the gang have not exactly been on form. Furry Mama curtailed Minty Mutt's walk as both he and Baggy were rather achy but she's had to spend extra time with Hinge and Bracket who've been playing "who can get on Furry Mama's lap first?" They just don't seem to want to be out in the cold and are enjoying the new toastie heaters.

The furries all seem to have been half asleep today as well. The Domestic Goddess did manage to do lots more packing and sorting things out, to go to the other house, but her heart wasn't really in it. It's got to that slightly overwhelming stage, where Clever Bird can't decide what on earth to tackle next! Freda Fretter is concerned that she'll never get it sorted, but actually she's really made a lot of progress (at both ends). The biggest challenge for Clever Bird is that she's well aware that The Goddess is now packing quite a lot of, what some might call, excess junk. But that's Hormonal Hannah's contribution for the day, she still cannot bear to let Baggy throw anything away.......