One year on!

Today, literally one year on from Baggy's Lawrence-the-durmoid-cyst surgery, Baggy attended her final counselling session. Psychic Ploppo felt it was apposite that it was the first anniversary of her surgery. What a twelve months it's been. Cubital tunnel surgery on Baggy's left arm on November 10th 2014. Full abdominal hysterectomy, bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy and omental biopsy on November 4th 2015. December 3rd 2015, Cubital tunnel surgery on Baggy's right arm. December 30th 2015, Baggy's Step-Mother died. February 2016, Baggy's mental health began to deteriorate quite rapidly. By March 2016 the gang, even (or perhaps especially) Grotty Groom was really anxious and miserable and didn't want to leave the house. By June 2016, Baggy had totally lost her confidence and was having total meltdowns over the smallest things. Thanks to the support she received from this blog, Clever Bird got Baggy to see a doctor. She was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. She attended the Stress Management course, which for silly reasons ended up causing her more stress and extra meltdowns. By July 2016 she'd reached a very dark place and (although Clever Bird made Creative Clara play it down a lot in her blog), she was wondering if it might be easier if she wasn't around. Fortunately Baggy started counselling. It was hard - very hard. Possibly one of the hardest things Baggy's done, but it started to help. In August again thanks to support from bloggees, Baggy put Hormonal Hannah on HRT, which helped a little. Then in September, Baggy's counsellor suggested that she revisited the option of taking anti-depressants. A very relieved doctor (who could clearly see the state Baggy was in, even if she couldn't), happily prescribed them.

So today, a year on from Baggy's life sans Lawrence, she is finally in a really good place. She is allowing herself to "feel" properly. Clever Bird now knows that it's okay to be sad, but it's even more okay to be happy. For the first time in her life, she is planning ahead. For the first time in her life, she is looking forward to Christmas. Not that she hasn't had some lovely Christmases in the past, she has, with her Dad, with her sister and her family and certainly with her Number One furry, Calum, but she's never looked forward to it. Too many memories of unhappy Christmases. Of Christmas Day in Suffolk with her Dad, then Boxing Day driving all the way to Yorkshire with her Mama to spend it with her maternal grandparents. Of trying not to mention her Dad to her Mama, or her Mama to her Dad, to the extent of pretending that she hadn't had a good time with either. Truthfully, it wasn't a difficult pretence, as young Baggy found it almost impossible to cope with the contrast in those two days and the strain of not upsetting anyone. But today, as Baggy left her final counselling session she saw a sparkly Santa looking at her from a shop window and shot in and bought him. Baggy is really excited to be spending Christmas in their new home. Last year she didn't even bother to put the decorations up. Okay, yes, well spotted bloggees, she would seriously have struggled to put them up last year, but she didn't even want to try. This year on the other hand, chances are there might be a dancing reindeer added to the mix at some point!!

If there's one thing that Baggy has realised in the last few months, it's that it's important to realise when you need help. Depression is much more common than Clever Bird had realised and it really is not something to be ashamed of (despite what she believed for so long, thanks to her Step-Mother). It also comes in many forms. Even "mild" depression, as Baggy was diagnosed with, does not feel "mild" to the sufferer. It is all-consuming, very scary and starts to totally take over your life. But even though there were many days when Baggy did not even want to get out of bed, Clever Bird still didn't think that she was suffering with depression, which is one of the reasons why it took her so long to get help. But getting help was not only the right thing to do, it was the best thing she's done. Now she can allow herself to enjoy her life and not to feel guilty about how fortunate she is! Clever Bird's tip for the day - if you think that you could do with some support, get it, after all, what do you have to lose? Christmas is a coming..........