Baggy has an angel.

Sorry for going AWOL yesterday bloggees, it was a funny old day. Baggy was once again at Ipswich Hospital. But this time it wasn't for herself, nope it was for her number one furry Calum, who's having investigative tests. They'll be back there again on Saturday for him to have more tests. Truthfully, Clever Bird has no idea what they're actually testing for. In fact she's not sure that Calum knows either, as knowing him as Furry Mama does, she knows that he won't have asked. Freda Fretter would rather not know anyway. If all the tests are okay, then she doesn't need to worry, right? But it's now getting to the stage where Baggy has been to pretty much every single department in the hospital! In fact she probably would have been, had two of her hospital trips not been to other hospitals. Sorry bloggees, but she's joking because Furry Mama is worried about Baggy's husband, but Baggy will be there for him regardless. She did have a conversation with him that perhaps they are wearing out the "in sickness" vow now. His response - "yes, you are". It's true, Baggy is still well ahead! Clever Bird just hopes it stays that way.

So, having comfort-eaten her way through the week, including yesterday having an uncontrollable desire for a well-known burger, (even though ordinarily she really doesn't like them), Clever Bird got Baggy into action today; it is after all Fat Club tomorrow. Furry Mama took Minty Mutt on a long walk, before the heat got too much. The Domestic Goddess went mad cleaning! Then Grotty Groom looked after the Boys for the second time this week. In the heat! Again. She possibly shouldn't have done, as Baggy hadn't recovered from doing them on Tuesday. Although she took it easy on Tuesday, yesterday Baggy's stomach was weirdly swollen and the heat coming off the scar - well, put it this way, if Baggy was a horse, the vet would have been called out! She took it even easier today, but Clever Bird realised that what hurts Baggy is the twisting movements Grotty has to do when sweeping, or filling haynets, or worst of all, filling the water buckets. But in spite of the pain and stomach-grabbing Baggy was doing, Grotty Groom really enjoyed the work.

Poor Wessles is really suffering with this weather though. His head-shaking is terrible. Grotty could see how distressed he was as she walked out to the paddocks. The poor lad was throwing his head around so badly, that Clever Bird wondered whether there might be a fly stuck in his fly mask. He was pacing and bashing his head on his chest. Grotty called to him. As soon as he heard her, he whinnied and trotted, then galloped to the gate. Clever Bird had been going to get Grotty to take Joey in first, but as he was happily munching, she changed her mind. The moment Grotty took his fly mask off, Wesley rubbed his poor painful nose on Baggy - nearly knocking her through the electric fence in the process. Poor sausage. But walking him in was a real challenge. He was in so much discomfort that when he wasn't trying to rub his nose on Baggy, he was tossing his (very large, heavy) head about so much that Baggy had to keep jumping out of the way, so as not to get bruised by his bridle. In the end he snatched a branch off a tree and Grotty decided to let him have it, in the hope that it might distract him a bit. It did. Bless him, the worst things for affecting horses who head shake: pollen, flies, wind, bright light and heat! At the moment he has to contend with all of them. Clever Bird is well aware that it would be better if he was still being turned out at night, rather than during the day, but after Grotty found a plait in his mane, there's no way that Freda Fretter is going to let Grotty risk Wesley being stolen. But she does feel bad for him. Fortunately thunder storms are forecast for tonight, so selfish or not, Baggy is praying that that will be the end of this hot weather. Roll on autumn.

This evening, while munching a healthy supper, Creative Clara was watching an old programme on the telly, "Touched by an Angel". It's a bit of a soppy, feel good programme, obviously about angels and invariably it "touches" Baggy and makes her cry at some point, but what it did do this evening, is remind Baggy that she has an angel in her life; his name's Wesley. And yes bloggees, Psychic Ploppo truly does believe that. Wesley chose Baggy to be his human shortly after her Mama died unexpectedly (over eleven years ago now), and he's been there for her ever since, so not spending time with him has been hard for both of them. Baggy knows that he is there for her, she just hopes that he knows that she'll always be there for him......

Baggy is all floaty and in a good place - after having a total revelation!

It will come as zero surprise to you bloggees who have been through it, that Baggy is finding counselling tough. Not just mentally either - it is physically exhausting. Baggy was shaking like an autumn leaf in a storm at one point this morning. A very little leaf in a gale; trying to hang onto the branch for all she was worth; terrified of what would happen if she let go, but knowing that she had to if she wanted to be able to live a life, free of the burden that's been affecting her life and decisions, since she was a small child. Suddenly she had no choice, the power making her let go was overwhelming. And guess what happened bloggees, she didn't disappear, or visit a space so dark there was no coming back from it; no, she lived to tell the tale. Nothing too terrible happened, it was very draining, but she just kind of floated off. Yes it was scary. Yes it made her feel sick. Yes she felt completely spaced out. But then she landed back on terra firma and she wondered why she'd been so terrified to let go in the first place!

Admittedly, as Baggy left the doctors' surgery, she still felt rather spaced out and "floaty", but that was in part due to the fact that she felt as though an enormous weight, a weight that she's been carrying for nearly fifty years, had finally moved a fraction from off her shoulders. Creative Clara repeats herself, but tough as it is, counselling is certainly working for Baggy. Clever Bird just wonders why she didn't do it years ago. Actually, that's a lie - Clever Bird (as of this morning's session), knows exactly why she didn't do it years ago! It is all tied together with her issues. Issues that she is finally truly facing and getting her head around! She had absolutely no true idea of just how much she has been "beating herself up" for the last fifty years. This morning was a revelation in more ways than one.

Of course, as only Baggy can, she seemed to freak the counsellor out a little once again. Mainly because Psychic Ploppo was not only hearing voices (particularly her Mama's), but she was answering them out loud. Is there such a thing as slightly schizophrenic? Or a schizophrenic with only friendly helpful voices? Are all medium's schizophrenic? Baggy kept apologising for Ploppo's marginally bizarre behaviour, while being totally unable to stop her from carrying it on. But this evening, Baggy feels better than she's felt in a very long time.

This feeling is also partially due to Grotty Groom looking after her Boys today. She had them turned out this morning, then pootled over at lunchtime (on the hottest day of the year - clever Clever Bird, only 31deg.C), to do every thing else. Grotty did at least take it easy on Baggy, she worked in slow motion and didn't push her to rush the work. It is after all only the second time Grotty has worked in a year! She was just about to go and get them in, when she realised there was a loose horse causing total chaos, galloping around the paddocks (Wesley's erstwhile, favourite trick), so she was a little concerned how they would react. Fortunately, Baggy's friend Sarah, was just arriving and offered to come out with her. She brought Joey in, while Grotty brought The Boy Wessles in and both horses were so relaxed that you'd never know that all the horses had been hurtling round their paddocks - well possibly, all the horses apart from Wesley and Joey!

This evening even The Domestic Goddess cheered Baggy up! Rump steak, baked potato and salad consumed, Baggy is now chain-drinking tea.........

Baggy is fighting her depression by planning for once.

Baggy had that Monday feeling again, so action was required! Firstly, after much phoning and rearranging of appointments, Baggy sorted her letter for the solicitor withdrawing from purchasing the land at their other house. She then took Furry Mama and Minty Mutt off to post it. It was hot, so they did the "wetlands" walk so that Mint could throw himself into the muddy stream.

It's such a beautiful day, but Hormonal Hannah had Baggy close to tears as she walked. As this wasn't great, Clever Bird decided to distract her by getting her to think about her future. This is not something that Baggy does, or has ever really done. Usually she just lives from day-to-day, or if she's feeling positive, maybe a week or so ahead. The future is, well, just that, the future, not something that requires much thought. So when she does decide to think about it, it has a habit of putting her into a panic. Take marrying Calum for example, as that required a few months of planning ahead, it freaked her out rather a lot. But when she worked, her whole life was planning ahead - in fact Clever Bird is seriously good at forward planning and project management. Just not for herself. But in her new frame of mind, she started. Using her brain cheered her up instantly.

By the time they got home, it really was incredibly warm and as Minty Mutt was covered in pongy stream mud, Furry Mama decided to give him a shampoo in his paddling pool. He's now rather fluffy. But at least he smells nice. As he dried off she then gave him a brush and groomed a small cat out of him.

Clever Bird decided to get Baggy out of the heat and to write a few notes, to try to clarify her planning. Pros and cons written down, she had a light-bulb moment. Previous decisions have now been turned on their head. She phoned Calum to see what he thought. There's one thing about driving around the country in an HGV on your own all day, you have an awful lot of time to think. Unlike Baggy, Calum thinks about the future a lot. It would seem that (not for the first time), he was one step ahead of Baggy. It looks as though a lot of things might be changing for the Baggy household in the future........

A Suffolk Sunday.

Today didn't go according to plan. Overslept. Decided it was too late and too hot to go to the horse show they'd planned on watching. Sat about for a bit. Had a Sunday fry-up. Then Clever Bird decided that they shouldn't waste the day and asked Calum what he fancied doing. So they headed off in Billy-Bob to the lovely Lavenham to investigate house colours! In spite of its initially "modern" appearance, their other house is actually fundamentally a seventeenth century cottage and as it needs re-painting, Creative Clara is wondering about a change. It used to be a Suffolk pink, but then Baggy's Dad painted it a creamy colour.

So Clara took her camera for a bit of inspiration.

It's colourful in little old Suffolk. Clara is quite liking the idea of mustardy yellow, with bluey-green architraves and white window frames. Cream and white seems a little too ordinary somehow.

As it was Sunday and no food shopping had been done, they decided to treat themselves to a Sunday roast at a lovely pub. Minty Mutt enjoyed the pork crackling no end. Probably not as much as Baggy enjoyed the (forbidden) chocolate and honeycomb dessert though. Hmmmm!

On the way home Calum and Grotty Groom decided that they needed cuddles, having once more lost a weekend without riding the horses. Wesley and Joey were contentedly munching hay when they arrived but seemed pleased to see them, especially when they got the grooming kits out. There's nothing like a good old scratch to keep a horse happy.........

Decisions, decisions......

Baggy and Calum took Gloria Gardener over to their other house today. Clever Bird was worried that the place looks so neglected. Despite the contract for the tenants clearly stating that they have to maintain the garden the last one didn't touch it. There is a little border all along the front of the cottage and it is so overgrown that it's crawling up in front of the windows. Well, it was. No more. Three hours of cutting, pruning, weeding and digging later, the border looks rather neater. Sadly although Calum and Gloria did a sterling job, Creative Clara not only forgot to take before pictures, she also forgot to take after ones. So you'll just have to take her word for it, that they worked very hard.

While they were there, four different locals, two of whom neighbour the cottage, tried to persuade Calum and Baggy to move in - because "the house deserves to be loved again". Hmmmm! But for the first time Baggy actually managed to be at the house without crying, so that's a step in the right direction. The poor place is so neglected though. All the carpets need replacing. The very large dog who's been living there has wee'd on most of them and contrary to the estate agent's view that they were okay because they've been professionally cleaned, they really are not okay. The whole house needs painting inside and out, but there's not much point in doing that until the three roofs have been totally taken off and re-laid. The garden is a jungle - but as it doesn't legally belong to the house it can stay that way until the situation is resolved - or not. The damp is terrible! Hopefully the roof being fixed will sort it, but that too remains to be seen. Just having all the windows open today for a few hours seemed to help - but the smell! The smell has been there for as long as Baggy's Dad lived there and Baggy always thought it was the smell of stale tobacco smoke, as her Dad was a pipe smoker. And, no, it wasn't one of the lovely fragrant tobaccos, it was a really pongy one! But her Dad died over four years ago, so there's no way that was the smell. The smell was, and is, the damp! It wafted out of the windows as Gloria and Calum worked. But damp or not, it still reminded Baggy of her Dad's tobacco, but this time, instead of that making her cry, she found it rather comforting.

Having made a tiny start on getting the cottage looking a little more loved, Baggy and Calum felt a lot better about it. They now feel that they can probably do quite a lot of the sorting out themselves - time permitting. Then they need to figure out what to do with it once it's sorted. Every time that Baggy thinks she's made a decision...........

Time for a reality check - is Baggy recovered yet?

Okay bloggees, as this is supposed to be an honest account of Baggy's road to recovery, let's get Creative Clara to say it like it is. It is now ten months since Baggy's Lawrence-the-durmoid-cyst surgery and nine months since the surgery on her right arm. More than enough time for Baggy to be 100% back to normal right? Wrong. Obviously the first lot of surgery was "major". The second lot - not so much - however Clever Bird forgot two things when she wanted Baggy to have both surgeries so close together. Firstly, it took her six months to recover from the same cubital tunnel surgery on her left arm (a year previously), and that wasn't a full recovery, just enough for her to be able to ride and do the horses again. But Grotty Groom went back too soon and gave Baggy pneumonia! So bearing in mind that Baggy is right-handed, it is hardly surprising that her right arm is still not totally back to normal (if it ever will be). Secondly, the body can only cope with so much trauma and will focus on the "worst" thing first. So the arm surgery detracted from Baggy's body sorting out her major stomach surgery. Additionally, it also meant that Baggy had three lots of general anaesthetic in under twelve months! A lot to take for any body, let alone an old one like Baggy's. Then of course, just three weeks after her arm surgery (in Christmas week), Baggy's stepmother died and Baggy's demons were released and she started to unravel. But the total tipping point for Baggy was Grotty Groom not being able to see her horses, because Baggy just couldn't cope with the people she had to deal with there. As her horse Wesley, literally keeps Baggy sane, this was the last straw. Hormonal Hannah began to dominate the gang totally and Clever Bird realised two things: the menopause was affecting Baggy dramatically (having had everything including both ovaries whipped out with Lawrence), and Baggy had slipped into depression.

So Baggy has taken action. She's now on HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). Truthfully, Clever Bird is unsure whether this has helped much, other than to have reduced the frequency and intensity of Hormonal Hannah's hot flushes. She has attended the Stress Management course, which just confirmed that she did know how to deal with stuff, as long as she remembered to do it before it overwhelms her. She is having counselling, that awful though it is, certainly seems to be helping. And she has looked after the horses again - admittedly only once, but still, it's a start. This week Baggy is going back to see the Doctor, because Clever Bird has finally admitted that perhaps Baggy's counsellor and Doctor are right and she should think about going on anti-depressants.

But the fact is that Baggy's overwhelming feeling at the moment is one of guilt. Guilt that Grotty isn't back at work being uppermost. Guilt therefore, that it is costing a small fortune to have the horses looked after. Guilt, guilt, guilt. However, as Calum pointed out, he watches Baggy doing things on a day-to-day basis and he can see that she is not back to normal. (Whatever normal is for Baggy!) Even Clever Bird is well aware that Baggy frequently grabs her stomach when she is lifting, or twists suddenly, because it hurts. She knows that Baggy cannot lift things that she lifted easily before. She also knows that she cannot even stand up or sit down onto the sofa as easily as she used to - thanks to no real stomach strength any more, because her abs were cut through. But even Clever Bird got a shock just now, when she watched The Domestic Goddess struggling to open a can of salmon; trying to twist the stiff can opener had Baggy's elbow burning. So Clever Bird is trying to get Freda Fretter and Hormonal Hannah to back off a bit and has come up with a better plan. Instead of the all-or-nothing approach that Grotty has, Clever Bird is going to get her to build her work up. So starting next week, Grotty will look after the horses for two days, but even then she won't do everything. She'll have them turned out in the morning, then head up later in the day to muck out etc before bringing them in. Just one trip to the yard instead of two a day (saving an hour) and just two walks to the paddocks a day, instead of four, saving another thirty minutes. Instead of focussing on how much extra the horses are costing, she'll focus on the amount that she's beginning to "save". Little steps!

Meanwhile, The Goddess is helping out Furry Mama. Is it possible bloggees that Minty Mutt has too many toys?

 

And of course "F" is for Fat Club, well yes, and Friday, and today was the day. The good news is that in spite of Baggy having a fairly stressful week (understatement), she was determined not to make herself feel even more miserable by comfort-eating and piling on more weight! She succeeded! She has lost the three pounds that she put on last week..........

Thursday - Positive Day Part 2!

Grotty Groom had another good lesson today, albeit that she was on a very different Wesley to the one that she's been on for the last few lessons. She nearly finished Baggy off, because she really had to ride him. Any excuse to look at everything going on around him; to stretch his head down to snatch the reins from Grotty, by touching his nose on the floor; doing a grand impersonation of a sports car - you get the picture bloggees. He was the Wesley who is "not a novice ride". After Baggy's week so far, she was making Grotty a bit nervous too, so it wasn't the best combination. Vicki-May decided to make them both really work. 

And work they did! As per usual, teaching and videoing didn't really work together, so these are definitely not the best bits, but still, Grotty was happy, if somewhat exhausted!

It was very hot and very bright, so unfortunately Wesley started to head-shake a little and Baggy couldn't actually swallow, her throat was so dry, but Grotty adores that hoss!

He is the best therapy ever. Oh and by the way bloggees, I'm flattered by Vicki-May's comment on one of the videos that Baggy is the love-child of one of the best dressage riders in the world, (sorry Carl), but actually she's older than he is. Ah well, she doesn't feel that old today. But Baggy probably will tomorrow when she can't move for achy bits. Yee-hah.........