Guilty.

Baggy had another revelation at counselling today! Far from not caring what people think about her (which is what she genuinely believed she felt), having actually felt that she never truly had her Dad or Mama's approval, and certainly not her Step-Mother's, in reality she is constantly looking for approval. It explains why she finds it nigh on impossible to say "no" to anyone, or to stand up to people who are either unpleasant or who have let her down. It also explains why she constantly feels guilty about pretty much everything: guilty about not working; guilty about the horses being on livery; guilty about being relatively well off; guilty about inheriting the other house; guilty about criticising her parents; guilty about being happy. She's always been scared of being truly happy because every time that she is, something inevitably goes horribly wrong in her life. It's almost as if she believes that it's what she deserves. She was so happy last year before she found Lawrence-the-durmoid-cyst, that discovering him was almost a relief because this time the disaster wasn't someone leaving her, which was the only option she could see, as she doesn't have a job to lose. It also had the added bonus that other people would look after her, rather than her having to look after herself (something she feels as if she's had to do since she was a small child)!

But the guilt is unhealthy, unhelpful and irrational. It's also misplaced. It's guilt that Baggy has carried for nearly fifty years, that she caused her parents to divorce and her Step-Mother to constantly walk out on Baggy's Dad because "it's her or me". It's guilt that she couldn't live up to their expectations of her. It's guilt that she wasn't the person they wanted her to be. So now that Clever Bird is beginning to truly understand where Baggy's depression has come from, and is moving on from those feelings of responsibility and guilt for their adult actions, Hormonal Hannah is chucking new irrational "guilts" at her to replace them. NOT necessary. So the next challenge for Clever Bird is to get Baggy to allow herself to be really happy; it's not as if she doesn't realise and appreciate how lucky she is. So she needs to believe that she is worthy of being happy and that if she is happy, that does not mean that something is going to go horribly wrong to take it away. Honestly bloggees even letting Creative Clara type that has put Hormonal Hannah into a panic - talk about tempting fate - but that's what Clever Bird has to stop her from thinking! She is not tempting fate by not feeling guilty and by feeling happy!

So, all of that wrung out of her very core, Clever Bird took Baggy for a cappuccino to get over the spaced-out feeling. Furry Mama took Baggy and Minty Mutt for a long walk to get the good endorphins buzzing. The Domestic Goddess carried on with the packing so that Baggy can get excited about her and all her furries starting their new life in their other house..........