Today was Hormonal Hannah's day once again - where exactly did the last week go? Counselling first thing. Stress Management course this afternoon. The counselling is certainly helping to sort Hannah out, but it is very overwhelming for Baggy. The thing is, Clever Bird is more than aware of most of what (if not, all of what), incidents in her child and adulthoods, have caused Baggy to be affected her whole life. She's equally aware of some of her possibly "not quite normal" behaviours, and why she does them. She's also aware of her fears and why she has them, both rational and irrational. It's knowing how to deal with, and move on from them, that's the challenge she knows she needs help with.
Take the "toys" for instance. To Baggy, most of them are not toys - they are real. "What do you mean by that?" "Well, what I said, 'they are real'. They are alive. Hurt one of them and find out how I react. I know they're not all real. Some of them are just toys. But a lot of them are real. When I'm really struggling, ( the real ones, some or all of them), will be with me. For a while (actually years), during my last relationship, (which was when they first arrived in my life), they went everywhere with me. Two had passports and travelled with me. One (Bear) used to attend board meetings at Alders Department Stores". No really, he did - how on earth did Baggy get away with that? Actually, good point bloggees, she probably didn't - they did after all make her redundant when she was on holiday in Peru (with two of the others, Betty (a rabbit) and Toot (an alien) - very nice welcome back to work that was - but Creative Clara digresses. In fact those three were the ones who accompanied Baggy to hospital for both her operations, last year.
"I know why I do this of course; when I was about nine, my (younger) sister and I had gone for our monthly weekend stay with our Mum. When we got home again, all the soft toys that lived on our beds had gone. Our stepmother had thrown them all away. Apparently, we were 'too old' to need soft toys. The only ones that we had left, were the ones that had gone with us. We both still have those ones to this day". "So, how do the toys, you believe are real, make you feel?" After much thought, Baggy said "comforted". After lots of blubbing and a lot more thought, Clever Bird realised that Betty, Toot and Bear stopped going absolutely everywhere with her, at pretty much the same time as Wesley came into her life (shortly after her real Mum died). "Do you think that you see yourself as those toys - in need of comforting, protecting and looking after?" Cue a meltdown for Baggy. Clever Bird analysed this as Baggy blubbed - obviously she needed the "kids" (as she called them), less, once she had Wesley to look after. But actually, also fairly obviously, once she'd got her head around being a "toy", Clever Bird realised that the counsellor had a rather large point, Baggy has never felt "looked after". Let's face it: her mother left her; her stepmother was extremely unpleasant to her and deliberately made her life as difficult as possible - throwing her out regularly; and her father (who understandably didn't want to lose a second wife), took the easy option and ignored how her stepmother treated her. So, since the age of eight, the only person looking out for Baggy, has been Baggy. Until that is, Calum arrived on the scene. Now of course, Hormonal Hannah is terrified that he too will "leave" Baggy, so she started pushing him away, to get in there first.
Yep bloggees, ridiculous and like she says, Clever Bird knows why Baggy does these things, but at least this time she's getting help! The counselling might be totally overwhelming and absolutely exhausting, but it's already helping. The counsellor is lovely (and is looking forward to meeting), Betty, Toot or Bear, but actually Baggy might take Sausage along!
At least he's big enough to hug while Baggy has a meltdown - which she has now not only been given permission to do, but is being positively encouraged to do. The whole "better out than in" thing! Maybe Baggy will introduce the counsellor to the herd who live in her car too, although they moved into the house a while back.
Okay bloggees, maybe having this many "kids" when you're fifty-six years old isn't quite normal, but heh, it's Baggy's normal and at least she's beginning to understand better what's going on...........
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