Day 20 - Something's not Right with Baggy. Is Lawrence Back?

It's really not too easy being a blogger when a lot of the time you can't actually get on the internet. The sooner the powers-that-be get rural communities access to proper Broadband, the better. Clever Bird gets rather upset with the "choose our Broadband" or "swap to us" adverts on the telly. The one and only option Baggy's house has is a "3" dongle and the only place that that will work is hanging in the window in the kitchen. Half the time the signal indicator is amber. It's frequently bright red. But for the last few days, even when it's been green, Baggy can't get her laptop to connect, or even if it is connected, to open anything. It's driving Freda Fretter nuts. As for Creative Clara, well you really don't want to hear her words on the subject. Anyway, if you're reading this the good news is that the connection must have worked at some point today.

And before any of you kind souls suggest it, Clara cannot use Baggy's phone either. She's lucky if she gets a signal on it in the house at all, she certainly never gets one strong enough to get on the internet. Ah well, living in the sticks does have its advantages. One of which is being able to walk straight out of the house on off-road country walks. Furry Mama and Calum have braved the beginning of the day's icy gales and taken Minty Mutt out for a thirty-minute walk.

It's interesting today though. Clever Bird doesn't know why, or if it's "real", or what it's called, but today Lawrence-the durmoid-cyst was making his presence felt. Lawrence may no longer be inside Baggy but he feels as though he is. Baggy is getting the same stabbing pains that she had when he was still on her ovary. Bearing in mind that neither Lawrence or the ovary are there any longer, how is it possible to get the same feelings? Calum suggested that it might be the same as when someone loses a limb and they can still feel an itch on it. Lawrence has after all been growing inside Baggy since before she was born, so Clever Bird supposes that it is possible. She also hopes that that's "all" it is, rather than it being something not healing properly. Freda needs to stop worrying about it either way, as there's not much that can be done about it presumably.

Or perhaps Baggy is missing Lawrence. Clara has joked about this in previous blogs and wished him well, but actually, maybe she really is missing him! Baggy of course also had a total hysterectomy, and many women apparently feel that they have somehow lost their womanhood when this happens. Clever Bird supposes that this is probably much more likely with younger women. They will grieve this loss and can get depressed about it. Clever bird really does wonder if Baggy is somehow grieving Lawrence. Yes, that is ridiculous. But maybe it is not quite as ridiculous as it seems. She is now not only missing her womb, uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes, even more dramatically she is missing a 15cm-diameter durmoid cyst that had skin, fat, teeth, hair and who knows what else, as the Consultant wasn't willing to tell her? Eyes maybe? No really, some of them do. But Lawrence has literally left a large hole in Baggy. Probably why there is a weird  dip in the middle of her wound. So maybe she is missing Lawrence in both senses of the word.

One thing's for sure, Baggy does not "feel herself". at the moment. She still feels that overwhelming vulnerability that she felt a couple of weeks ago. Clever Bird thought at the time that that was just down to being in pain and having restricted movement. But now Baggy feels (almost) physically back to normal, yet she still feels really vulnerable. Everything seems rather overwhelming. Tears are constantly just a drip away. Even really little things that normally Baggy wouldn't think twice about seem like too big a challenge. For instance, The Domestic Goddess had a bit of a panic over following instructions for a "cook-in bag" thingy. Yes, The Goddess is pretty hopeless, but with Clever Bird in tow, not at following instructions. All she had to do was put chicken, onions and mushrooms in the bag, then mix the powder with water and put that in the bag too. Mix it up a bit. Put it in an oven dish. Shove it in the oven. Hardly difficult. But Baggy ended up in tears in a panic and Calum had to help! Why? Why is everything too much? Grotty Groom is really, really missing Wesley. Baggy could easily get Calum to take Grotty to see her horse this afternoon, but Grotty is scared about going over to see him. What exactly is she scared of? She doesn't have to ride him. She doesn't even have to go into his stable with him and it's making her miserable not seeing him, so why?

Baggy does not like feeling like this at all..............